The New ECLIPSE Trailer Will Wet Your Panties!
I was talking to a buddy a few days ago. He was having a problem with a woman at his job, and, apparently desperate, turned to me for advice. During the conversation, he turned and gave me that look that men often give one another while dealing with the female species. Under his breath, he mumbled, “Ray, what’s wrong with them? Why don’t they make any sense?”
Girls make men say things like this because they are deranged, hormonally-challenged sociopaths. They might be the best evidence against the existence of God, since no rational, intelligent being would dare construct such a hyperventilating, exasperating, and deeply illogical creature. Women should cherish their vaginas, since that mysterious wonderland is the only thing that has prevented men from rising up and slaughtering them all.
Studio heads and other cash mongerers have repeatedly exploited the feminine weaknesses for puerile romantic yearning, vapid pretty boys, and chaste petting. The seventies had Leif Garrett, the eighties had Corey Haim, the nineties had the Saved By The Bell guys, and the Aughts have brought us The Jonas Brothers and the Twilight franchise.
Women – grown women – squeal loudly at the sight of a 2D picture of charisma-free Taylor Lautner. Robert Pattinson reduces entire auditoriums of females into tear-streaked Jello molds. Underaged girls spontaneously produce breasts and begin bleeding while screeching at a two hour Twilight film. Ask any of them why they are acting like this, and they cannot tell you why. Their hormones have blinded them from reality and reason.
Another hormonally-titillating entry in the Twilight series is headed our way this summer from pussy-tickling “author” Stephenie Meyer, who has ingeniously capitalized on the female problem for a huge unearned payday. The new film, Eclipse, follows the further whispery “adventures” of Bella, the least interesting heroine in the history of recorded thought.
If the new trailer is any indication, Bella will be slouching and whispering through another two hour film while being pursued by two gorgeous suitors, Edward the vampire and Jacob the werewolf. Let’s face it: neither one of these male characters would have anything to do with this Bella, who looks like a tomboy trailerpark version of Lydia from Beetlejuice, and has all the personality of a bloodfart. But, like any soap opera, there needs to be two guys so completely obsessed with one undeserving girl that they constantly fight each other for her love. Get real. Men may have fought over Helen of Troy, but they certainly aren’t going to fight over Bella the Hoosier.
[youtube S2HIda5wSVU]
Regardless, the new trailer promises to fill multiplexes with the “other species” and turn it into a seething pit of estrogen-induced bean-flipping. Maybe I’ll go golfing with my buddies that weekend.
30 Comments
I haven’t watched the first two films. Irrespective of why they’re so popular do they have any cinematic merit in terms of story, acting, direction etc.?
No, Paul, they don’t.
Wow. This may be the most misogynist thing I’ve read in quite a while (at least since the last wave of estrogen-hate brought on by New Moon last fall). I hate the sparkle nonsense as much as the next sensible person, but there’s plenty to bitch about in the actual series without falling into a screaming sexist man-tantrum.
@ Pam – go look on YouTube for video proof of what I’m saying. Three year old girls crying hysterically over Justin Beiber, old ladies rushing shopping malls for Lautner … Girls are nuts for this sackless shit.
Not all girls, and not all women, and your inability to make that distinction and the sweeping comments about the entire gender are more disturbing to me than some silly tween who made a video of herself watching the trailer and put it on YouTube.
I’m a “girl” (which, by the way, nice job, reducing all adult women to “girls”) and I’m not “nuts for this sackless shit,” so I guess that blows your argument.
Ahhh … when they’re not hyperventilating about sexless, good looking men, they’re taking a sarcastic article way too seriously …
Why don’t you ladies go change your pads and lighten up?
[Matt here - both comments deleted because of over-use of ! along with poor spelling and just general lack of intelligence].
Yeah, you should go golfing that weekend, although JUST the weekend is NOT going to be long enough. These books revolutionalized the way many women think about love and sex. Good luck trying to go against it longer than a few years. Now the guys have some true competition: the ‘ideal’ in the minds of women; women have been dealing with this concept invading men’s minds for thousands of years. Get over it.
Matt, dammit … she was proving my point!
“These books revolutionalized the way many women think about love and sex.” – Melissa
My vote for dumbest comment in OWF’s storied history.
Pam is cool, and right.
CARRIE – now there’s a fantastic and more believable horror film about growing up as a teenager!
Excellent choice, Paula!
I know i’m going to regret asking this, but what is the actual point of this article?
We’ve always had rubbish movies (and music) aimed at dumb teens with a sheep mentality which make nefarious Hollywood producers ridiculous amounts of money; but are there ANY quality and original stories aimed at “the kids” at the moment?
In the 80s, early John Hughes and Cameron Crowe movies were pretty sharply written and cast with good early performances from the likes of Sean Penn, John Cusack and Matthew Broderick.
Now it just seems to be a conveyor belt of pretty-boy fuck-heads who can’t act their way out of wet a paper bag.
@ Tom F – the OTT language seems to suggest it’s a bit of a wind-up :-)
Carrie was a great teen-horror film, no question. But I want to point out that it was produced in the 70′s, before HIV/AIDS took all the fun out of sex and reduced hot teen groping/grappling/angsting movies to asexual broodfests. All the young girls, who soon turn into young women, are taught today that sex can make you sick, and therefore must be avoided like the potential plague it is. No wonder they love pretty boys who WON’T have sex with them.
Lighten up, yourself Ray and stop being so threatened.
@ Tom F – To introduce the new Eclipse trailer, ya dumbass.
@ whatgoesaround – You want me to lighten up, and yet you’re talking about the effect of AIDS on teen sexual values?!?!? That’s hilarious.
Paula gets it. I’m just having some fun while talking about the new Eclipse trailer, which is movie news I must report and I’m using sarcasm to endure the pain.
Ah so that’s what you were trying to do. Got it.
Those extreme sexy, over sensitive and metrosexual vampires/werewolves make me sick …. now I’m going to watch movies about real men with real feelings …. like Rambo and Bruce Lee.
Ooooh touched a nerve did I Ray? Just how threatened are you by all the pretty teenage boys?
Haha this is hilarious. Its posts like this that seperates OWF from other movie blogs. BTW im a pretty teenage boy.
Dont say that Roy, Ray will be all over you like a tween on a Lautner.
Love you xxx
@ whatgoesaround – Quite threatened.
@ Roy L. Dennis – Send your pictures with and without pants to rayderousse@yahoo.com.
@ Simon Gallagher – I’d ask for some nude pics from you, but we all know how those Englishmen are hung. I might as well ask a Chinaman to send me pics. The clitoris of Lady Diana’s rotting corpse is more substantial than most of the men in the British Empire.
Google me. Im all over the web.
Tease.
Ok, I have a point to make, the reason these books/movies are so good, for me is because when i got in to fights with my family I would go in my room shut the door and read this series over and over. For me this was a way to escape from a bad day, or if i was feeling lonely and needed a different place to go, so when the movies started to come out it was something for me to look forward to. And i was very impressed by how much detail they put into the movies, they knew a lot of us were some how looking up to it, and now since eclipse is almost here and the trailer is out, if i have another bad day i always will have something to look forward to, to smile about. So for me I am not obsessed with it is just a big part of my life.
Okay Ray so you point is “girls” are bad? If so your full of shit.