The recent buzz about Twilight has seen Vampires rise back to prominence in popular culture. Every couple of years something like this happens with the release of another marketing department’s wet dream franchise – we’ve had wizards, pirates, hobbits and now: vampires. The pasty bloodsuckers are everywhere at the moment – they’re almost as popular as twitter.

So grab your stake, garlic, silver, cross, holy water and whatever other clichéd vampire-battling paraphernalia you can find because you’re about to face the worst of the worst: Ten Movie Vampires that Well and Truly Sucked…

#10

Louis de Pointe du Lac

played by Brad Pitt

from Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)

A controversial choice no doubt given some of the lamentable movie Vampires that have escaped this list (I’m looking at you Queen of the Damned); but Brad Pitt’s Louis from Interview with the Vampire is deserving of his spot on this list, in my warped mind at least.

You see, I blame this film for kicking off the whole pensive, sexy Vampire with a conscience trend that has plagued modern vampire films for the last decade and a half.

I’m willing to concede that out of all the ‘monsters’ in horror folklore that the vampire has always been the ’sexiest’ but modern vampire movies have gone too far with this vampire as an international playboy theme – we already have an immortal, thousand year old playboy roaming the earth thank you very much, his name’s Hugh Hefner.

Interview with the Vampire was the watershed for the new breed of moody, conflicted vampires we’ve seen flood or screens and paved the way for the likes of Twilight and it’s this legacy, along with Pitt pouting his way across screen for two hours, which leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

#9

The Cast of Twilight

from Twilight (2008)

Another controversial choice…? I know that this shit is all the rage at the moment but I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

Maybe it’s me, there are plenty of things out there that are popular that baffle me as to how: skinny jeans on men, Scouting for Girls, Catherine Tate and Formula 1’s resurgence to name but a few, well now I can add Twilight to that list.

Call me old fashioned but I like my vampires to look scary and disturbing not like they’ve just wandered off the cover of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue; and if I wanted to watch a bunch of pasty teenagers looking moody and wearing dark clothes, I’d go and sit outside my local multi-storey and watch them on their skateboards.

Yet with the pound, or dollar (depending on where you’re reading this), signs jumping up and down in the eyes of those involved; a sequel is already looming large on the horizon, so there’s no escaping the Twilight phenomenon just yet, and with everyone’s least favourite Hollywood moppet Dakota Fanning on board for New Moon, the potential for it to be less blood-boilingly irritating than the first film seems like a distant dream.

#8

Danica Talos

played by Parker Posey

from Blade: Trinity (2004)

There was so much wrong with Blade: Trinity it almost seems unfair singling out one person for criticism…

But here goes anyway: indie darling Parker Posey’s head villain Danica Talos was just bland. Posey and her on screen brother played by the usually reliable Callum Keith Rennie seemed about as dangerous and threatening as a night out with The Tweenies and made Blade 2 villain Luke Goss look like Dirty Harry by comparison (yes that’s former Bros member Luke Goss that I just compared to Dirty Harry)

In a film that also featured WWE’s Triple H as a blood-sucking henchmen and Dominic Purcell turning in a performance so wooden it practically makes his work on Prison Break look Emmy-winning as ‘Drake’ (see what they did there) it’s the fact that Posey was so forgettable as Talos that tipped the balance in her favour.

Blade: Trinity was a mess for a plethora of reasons, but Danica Talos was a pretty big one.

#7

Dracula

played by Gerard Butler

from Dracula 2000 (2000)

 Before Gerry Butler was cool, he did this.

Master of horror Wes Craven served up this timid slice of blood-sucking horror as producer back in 2000 (see what they did there). Craven also directed the equally risible Vampire in Brooklyn (which we’ll get to later) so while he may be a master of horror, master of vampires he definitely ain’t.

Dracula 2000 actually boasts a decent cast, featuring a collective who’s who of TV veterans. Omar Epps (House), Danny Masterson (That 70’s Show), the brilliant Nathan Fillion (Firefly), Jeri Ryan (Voyager) and Jennifer Esposito (from everything) are all along for the ride with Johnny Lee Miller & Christopher Plummer as they tangle with a pre-300 Butler in a movie that should have been so much better.

Falling into the Interview with the Vampire trap of having a moody vampire who looks like he’s straight off the catwalk rather than straight out the coffin, Dracula 2000, and Butler, fail for presenting a Dracula who gives the impression he’d be more at home wearing a beret, reading poetry in Starbucks than out slaughtering people and feasting on their blood.

In spite of it’s supposed re-imagining and updating of the classic story, Dracula 2000 ultimately doesn’t offer up anything new and feels distinctly run-of-the-mill.

#6

The Cast of The Little Vampire

from The Little Vampire (2000)

Vampires aren’t supposed to be cute and if I really had the desire to watch a bunch of kids, caked in make-up, acting badly, I’d series link Hollyoaks.

2000’s The Little Vampire features a post-Jerry Maguire Jonathan Lipnicki doing what he did best back then: being all adorable and vomit-inducing.

Maybe I’m just bitter because I actually bore an uncanny resemblance to Lipnicki in my formative years and short of people thinking I was cute like they did with Lipnicki, I was routinely ridiculed, even coining the nickname ‘the little professor’ for one very long summer – those scars still run deep today… Damn you Lipnicki!

But personal vendettas aside, while clearly a kids film The Little Vampire helped contribute to the world we live in today: a world where vampires just aren’t as scary as they used to be. Having a bunch of pre-pubescent vampires, led by an actor called Rollo Weeks (a name which sounds more like Chris Moyles’ diet than that of a child star) dressed like the lost boys from Peter Pan flying round the screen probably made kids want to be vampires when they grew up rather than live in fear of one of written history’s greatest monsters – Bram Stoker was probably spinning in his coffin.

Richard E. Grant did his best to try and save proceedings but sadly The Little Vampire couldn’t be saved from being eternally damned to mediocrity and further contributing to the de-fanging of the Vampire.

#5

Una

played by Arly Jover

from Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)

If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call…?

Jon Bon Jovi.

That’s right people, when you can’t get James Woods back for one of the most needless sequels ever; you get the next best thing, sort of.

Everyone’s favourite poodle-haired eighties rocker (behind Joey Tempest from Europe obviously) turns vampire hunter in Vampires: Los Muertos the follow-up to John Carpenter’s moderately successful 1998 vampire yarn.

Ignoring the fact that Bon Jovi is no more vampire hunter than I am and the lazy writing that makes this sequel a near carbon copy of the first film, Los Muertos also features one of the most dull lead vampires in film history; Arly Jover’s Una.

She may be quite nasty, her ‘vampire-time’ slaughter of the patrons of a diner is rather impressive, but Una never really feels like a formidable opponent, even if she is up against the guy who did the soundtrack for Young Guns II.

#4

Leonid

Played by Meat Loaf

From Blood Rayne (2006)

Uwe Boll is a name as synonymous with gash as Ron Jeremy. In 2005 Boll further cemented his hack reputation when he turned his hand to adapting hit video game Blood Rayne.

The film was big at The Razzies that year, but out of all the shocking performances in this clusterfuck of a film, one stands out like a bat out of hell… (sorry)

Meat Loaf, who let’s not forget has turned in some decent performances over the years in the likes of Fight Club and err… oh wait that’s it, makes his vampire bow here as Leonid.

In the sort of story you would probably think to be one of those cinema urban legends, you know, like Errol Flynn playing the piano with his penis, Boll is actually reported to have hired prostitutes to appear in a scene with the big man to keep down production costs, yet Meat Loaf’s still the most wooden thing in the scene…

…And who’s ever heard of a fat vampire before…?

#3

Maximillian

played by Eddie Murphy

from Vampire in Brooklyn (1995) 

Is Vampire in Brooklyn Eddie Murphy’s worst moment…?

Hell no, not by a long way, it still stinks like a day old cup of vomit though.

As I’ve already mentioned, Vampire in Brooklyn was directed by Wes Craven, hard to believe I know. It seems a coincidence that Craven went on to make the genre redefining Scream directly after his work on this critically panned comedy-horror from the pen of Mr. Murphy… Boy did he wash that stink off in style.

Murphy, looking more Lando Calrissian than vampire, is Maximillian a debonair Caribbean vampire who travels to New York to find himself the half-vampire daughter of a fellow bloodsucker, played by Angela Bassett.

While Murphy’s star was already on the decline by the time Vampire in Brooklyn hit screens, that didn’t stop him taking on his trademark multiple roles, playing in addition to Maximillian, a profane preacher and an Italian gangster – Peter Sellers he is not.

A film that had the potential to be something quite different and interesting ended up being nothing more than the standard dick-joke fare that became indicative of most of Murphy’s work in the 90’s and I would imagine is a film that Wes Craven has probably stricken from his memory.

#2

Count Dracula

played by Leslie Nielsen

from Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

It feels cheap mocking Leslie Nielsen, over the years the man who was the captain of the good ship Poseidon has become a bit of a joke, which is sad because his work on Police Squad and The Naked Gun is some of the most fondly remembered comedy of the 80’s and early 90’s.

He may have become an easy target, but there’s no getting away from the cold hard fact that most of his work since the 90’s has been complete and utter unadulterated shit. Most notably this Dracula spoof from comedy legend Mel Brooks – yes, the man behind The Producers, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein is actually responsible for Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

Brooks hasn’t made a film since and it’s not difficult to see why. Nielsen plays the titular count and the film attempts to parody the original tale of Dracula and some of the subsequent incarnations of Bram Stoker’s infamous character but fails spectacularly, almost making the current crop of herniatingly bad spoofs look funny. Well, maybe not Scary Movie 4… Nothing’s that bad.

#1

187

played by Coolio

from Dracula 3000 (2004)

 Coolio…

…As a Vampire…

….In space…

…Do I really need to elaborate…?

 

What do you think…? Is my list a bloody disgrace…?

If you enjoyed this, why not check out Tom Fallows’ Top Ton Movie Zombies list.