Many movie fans may find themselves tongue-tied as they trip off down to their local multiplex this weekend. What’s that film you want to see? The Assassination of Jesse James by The Coward Robert Ford is going to have people baffled and bemused when they find themselves at the box office. Without wanting to generalise too much, the average cinemagoer isn’t into thinking too much and doesn’t want to be confused. Long, wordy titles aren’t what people want, so I’d expect a large majority of the masses who roll up looking for “that Brad Pitt film” to end up settling for Beowulf, Hitman or Fred Claus.

Far from being cursed to box-office doom by a lengthy running time, arthouse sensibilities and ‘Brangelina’ fatigue, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford could collapse due to the long label its been given. And that’s a shame - long titles are something that I like and that I believe can signal a great movie that’s been crafted by creative, clever people. In comparison to the self-explanatory genre flicks and B-movies of the good old days (two good examples: I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang and It Came from Outer Space) these days there aren’t enough elongated movie names. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan is an exception and, yes, it was excellent. Another classic comedy with a title you just can’t get your teeth around - Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. The lesson here kids: leave more letters in the name of your film and you’ll find that it’s more likely to be funnier.

Let’s look to another Stanley Kubrick film - namely Lolita, the film that preceded Dr. Strangelove and established the format of using Peter Sellers in multiple, schizoid roles. The title refers to a central character and the main concern of the plot, but is it the best name for the film? I see clear opportunities for misunderstanding - when someone asks “have you seen Lolita?”, how do you know if they’re talking about the movie or a real person? The same goes for Léon, Marty, Laura and Ray. We cinemagoers can do without being confused and simply having a short character name as the title is a bit bland. For clarity and creativity, I’d say that Lolita should’ve been named Lolita or: How I Became Infatuated With an Underage Girl and Completely Screwed Up My Life In My Obsessive Pursuit of Her. Much better.

Far from being overly-wordy, pretentious and perplexing, elongated movie titles can thus be extremely useful and amp up the excitement. The Professional sounds instantly more exhilarating and action-packed than Léon. The Professional Killer Who Drank Milk, Cared For His Plant and Took on a Pre-Teen Protégé is even clearer, though possibly less action-packed. In fact, why not use numerous titles? That way you can change what you call the film according to your mood. Take Sergio Leone’s classic western from 1971. Depending on what day it is, the film is either Giù la testa, A Fistful of Dynamite, Once Upon A Time… the Revolution or Duck You Sucker! You can pick and choose. It’s audience power and it’s so much more interesting than having a single, sad, stunted title.

Even though shorter movie titles make for the majority of releases, big wordy labels are still knocking about and making themselves known. At first, people couldn’t get their heads around the fact that the first buccaneer blockbuster was tagged in full as Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. “Who needs that ‘Curse of the Black Pearl’ bit?” Well actually, you do. When the sequels - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - shipped onto screens, the extra bit at the end was essential to distinguish between the different films (in particular, which one was really good, which one was daft and which one was just ludicrous).

Those nautical types seem to like lengthy names - just look at Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. By tersely christening it simply ‘Master and Commander‘, the sense of exhilaration that comes wrapped up in ‘The Far Side of the World‘ is deserted. Floating around in a vague ocean of uncertainty, ‘Master and Commander’ could be a film about anything (most likely an S&M flick about an overbearing dominatrix) and doesn’t have the exotic oomph that is promised beyond the colon.

A creature feature about an underwater threat is always going to sound more interesting if it’s titled It Came from Beneath the Sea rather than The Host, and it appears that Hollywood has learned over recent years that maybe the producers of old B-movies had it right when it came to labelling their creations. To grab your audience, give your film a longer title instead of an abrupt, uninspiring short one. We’ve had The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, we’ve now got The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and next year we’ll have Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Keep the unceasingly long titles coming says I, and let’s see if any of them can top the super self-explanatory tongue-flipping forty-one words in 1991 hack job redub of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. Try articulating Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D after you’ve had a few pints…

Categories: Classic Movies, Comedy, Feature Articles, Western