Let’s Remake Everything!!!

Hey Hollywood! Here’s a great idea: LET’S REMAKE EVERYTHING! Every single piece of material ever produced on film or on television needs to be remade.

What about classics, you ask? FUCK IT!! We’ll remake CITIZEN KANE with Jonah Hill as Charles Foster Kane and Michael Cera as his “wacky” sidekick Jedediah Leland! We’ll not only improve the cast, but also the dramatic structure; the ending is so boring … instead of simply burning Rosebud in a fire, we’ll have the entire Xanadu complex blown up in a huge explosion. Oh … and we’ll make it in 3-D too, so when Rosebud flies out of the explosion, it’ll fly right past everyone’s face so that they know that it was the sled all along!! The kids will love it!

And let’s not forget television! That medium has produced so many great properties that we can make movies forever!!! Think about it for a second …. nobody’s ever made THE FACTS OF LIFE into a movie! We can get Lindsay Lohan to play Blair, Hillary Duff to play Jo, and Kathy Bates to play Mrs. Garrett! And we’ll add some lezbo sex in the girl’s dormitory to attract the 18-40 male demographic … but nothing featuring Natalie, ’cause she’s fat.

Or instead, maybe we can “reimagine” CHEERS with Jonah Hill as Norm, Nicholas Cage as Sam the bartender, and Amy Adams as Diane. We’ll even get someone not that attractive to play Carla - get Uma Thurman on the phone! The nostalgia-factor alone will guarantee a $30 million dollar opening weekend … toss in a cover of the theme song by Aerosmith, and we could be looking at a $31.5 million opening! Oh yeah, baby!

Thankfully, while I eagerly wait for these pointless television remakes to happen, I can tide myself over with awesome filmic experiences like this at my local mega-plex! AWESOME! Keep it coming, Hollywood!

And after we have exhausted all of the previously-created properties in movies and television, we can move on to other materials and remake them as well!! There must be thousands of Punch and Judy puppet shows that have never been adapted into films! And think of all of the cave-paintings in Europe that have yet to be reimagined!

My God, it’s a veritable cornucopia of material!! We will never, ever, ever need to use our imaginations ever again!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about the rant, kids. It’s just that this next sentence disturbs me.

According to Hollywood Wiretap, “producer” Jerry Bruckheimer has optioned THE LONE RANGER for a new live action feature. The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, the wordsmiths responsible for some of the most cliched, squirm-in-your-seat dialogue and situations of the last twenty years.

Think about that for a second. Bruckheimer is taking a property that has absolutely no value to anyone under the age of fifty - in America or otherwise - sprucing it up with lots of heavily-filtered shots and explosions, and then marketing it with the subtlety of Hitler’s march into Russia.

This is going to be yet another $70 million dollar waste of celluloid, replete with nonsensical action sequences courtesy of our thoughtful scribes Elliot and Rossio. Can they not understand that the time of the Lone Ranger has long since passed? Are they unable to see that the Lone Ranger means nothing at all to the rest of the world? Like the current American president, they seek only to steamroll over others with their own agenda in order to make themselves a tidy profit.

Let’s face several facts about this upcoming film right now:

- They will get someone like Zac Efron to play The Lone Ranger.

- They will get someone Chinese to play Tonto so that the faithful sidekick can really sidekick some ass.

- There will be a swordfight on a rolling/moving contraption of some sort.

- Despite being set in the Old West, there will be several explosions in the film that rival Hiroshima in size and destructive power.

- There will be some sort of love interest. This will either involve Tonto (hey, that Brokeback shit is in these days!!), or some “spunky” gal that meets the Lone Ranger in a “cute” way.

- Aerosmith will provide a mid-tempo ballad for the closing credits. Ya gotta have soundtrack tie-ins!!

All in all, this is just the most extreme case of desperation. Is there absolutely nothing else in the world to produce???? There are probably several hundred thousand scripts rejected by Hollywood every single year simply because the writer does not have an agent. These are original works that have potential, yet the Hollywood elite prefers to stick to formulaic, in-house bullshit to regurgitate into theaters.

NOTE TO BRUCKHEIMER: I have a couple of scripts. They are original. They might be shit, but I guarantee you that they’re better than this.

14 Comments »

I LIKE IT!!!!!!

Comment by The Glove | March 28, 2008

“Despite being set in the Old West, there will be several explosions in the film that rival Hiroshima in size and destructive power.”

LOLOL, Ray this is freakin hilarious..but sadly so true. I can’t wait for the ‘The Hills: Movie’, it’s going to be super hot:)

Comment by Essa | March 28, 2008

@ Essa - Please do not encourage Hollywood to make more of these films - or encourage me to shove a gun in my mouth - with your enthusiastic words.

Comment by Ray | March 28, 2008

How is this worse than remaking Zorro or Flash Gordon? At least Bruckheimer’s taking a break from raping the memory of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Transformers…

Comment by PaulT | March 28, 2008

Ray,

I like where you are coming from with remakes in general but I think this is different.

For my money, there hasn’t been a definite version of The Lone Ranger yet. There is no CITIZEN KANE, THE GODFATHER or even THE MARK OF ZORRO in it’s past… just some great episodes of t.v.

Why not introduce this character to a new audience. 3:10 TO YUMA meets POTC and this will be one frikkin amazing movie.

And these writers aren’t that bad. I may be wrong about this but didn’t you say once you hadn’t seen the first PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN?

Things might have changed since then but that first film was far from cliched. It resurrected a sunk genre and in Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbosa, they created (from scratch, although I’m sure the actors had a lot to do with it) two of the best characters in any Pirate movie in history.

That original script is awesome. To be able to create a Disney franchise that was as dark, as inventive and as god damn entertaining but at the same time respectful to the genre deserves great credit.

I can’t see them going the “Michael Bay” route with this franchise. At worse it will be The Mask of Zorro (which wasn’t THAT bad, was it?). I think these guys are capable… it’s way to early to right this off just yet.

And no Zac Efron won’t be in this. They should use that guy they cast for THE SPIRIT.

Comment by Matt Holmes | March 29, 2008

Matt,

First of all, the characters of Captain Barbosa and Jack Sparrow are two of the greatest movie pirate characters only because (a) there are very few actual pirate movies of any note, and (b) because they were fleshed out memorably by two terrific actors.

Secondly, there is absolutely NO POINT in remaking this, other than the name-recognition factor which (may) sell tickets at the theaters. The Lone Ranger has no current value in today’s society, which has changed dramatically from the early fifties when the character was in his heyday. For a verification of this, one needs to look no further than the movie and television remakes over the last several decades, all of which flopped badly.

While I find it amusing that nostalgic fanboys are wetting themselves over an “old school” western shoot-’em-up, the only reason this film is being greenlit is because Hollywood is bankrupt. End of story.

Comment by Ray | March 29, 2008

I think Ray needs to lighten up.

Comment by Tino | March 29, 2008

Agreed.

Comment by Ray | March 29, 2008

Ray, a thing occurred to me the other day, well, because I read about it, but film industry is exactly that, an industry. Despite popular beliefs, films are made to make money. And Hollywood being the greediest of all, no wonder they do these stupid things, remaking and blowing shit up. It somehow sells and makes them money.

Comment by epleterte | March 29, 2008

@ epleterte - Yes, I understand that Hollywood is primarily an industry. My argument here is not that remakes should NEVER be made - although from a creative standpoint, they shouldn’t - but that they are remaking EVERYTHING, regardless of the property or common sense.

Let’s say you’re a Hollywood producer. You can get anything made (within reason, of course). So, out of all the potential remakes, you choose THE LONE RANGER??!!?? I mean, while we’re at it, let’s remake CAPTAIN KANGAROO; after all, it was popular too … in 1962.

Comment by Ray | March 29, 2008

Ray,

Your comedic insights into the workings of hollywoodare top notch. There a method behind this remake madness…and as some wrongly beleive,it has nothing to do with money. What better way to instill social conditioning than characters that transend generations. Keep the same concepts reeling,then no one ever really figures out what’s really going(ie meaningless and personality lacking lives!!!) disagree and will gladly refute ladies and gents.

Comment by Chase Adams | March 29, 2008

When it comes to remakes, I just say “Who really cares? If you don’t like the idea of it, don’t watch it. Don’t waste energy saying the film will suck, Hollywood has officially ran out of ideas, Hollywood has a time machine and somehow has rapped your childhood. Move on and you can always watch DVDs or tapes of your old TV show or film. This new film isn’t going to take away from how you feel about the original. It was bound to happen anyway.”

Comment by Lencho | March 29, 2008

@ Lencho - Actually, I never really liked the original either. They are not trampling on sacred ground in my eyes with this remake. I just think it’s absolutely pointless, besides, of course, the potential paycheck. However, I really think Bruckheimer and company should look at the past performances of Lone Ranger remakes and rethink this extravaganza.

If you’re going to remake something, there are several properties more worthwhile and profitable than this one. That’s why I think it reeks of creative desperation so badly.

Comment by Ray | March 29, 2008

Yeah they might as well make a Buck Rogers movie while they’re at it.

Comment by Jeff | May 30, 2008

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