Cinema audiences love their heroes, and just as well seeing as you can’t escape them. When every comic-book superhero ever to have appeared in ink has either been made into a blockbuster film or claimed for a future project, and when even old-knackers like Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone have been knocking around film sets recently to bring us yet more Die Hard and John Rambo rumbling, it’s clear that the all-American action hero is still relevant and revered. But what of the not-so-American action star? In the British corner, Daniel Craig’s gritty new James Bond, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as unlikely leads in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz and Clive Owen’s badass Brit nanny in the upcoming Shoot ‘Em Up stand out as ‘foreign’ forces to be reckoned with. They’re still all actioners with the English language as their mother tongue though. What about the really exotic protagonists from beyond the dominant Anglo-American hero domain of Hollywood? 

Undisputedly, the ultimate outsider success in this area is the Austrian bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger. Having bagged such titles as ‘Mr. Olympia’ and ‘Mr. Universe’ in his exceptional career as a strongman, “The Austrian Oak” found his way to film success through Conan the Barbarian and, in particular, The Terminator. With a thick accent and thicker thighs, Arnie took the world by storm thanks to a simple combination of a steroid-enhanced appearance and sly utterances of “hasta la vista, baby”. Arnie broke the mould as an über-macho movie mainman: here was a John Wayne figure that enwrapped audiences and was refreshingly un-American, yet appealing all the same. A bonus then for both box-office business and for cinema spectators who just wanted to see big, dumb action delivered by a hilariously-accented he-man. 

Alas, Arnold Schwarzenegger followed in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan and ventured into politics. The Terminator became The Governator and now gets his kicks serving the citizens of California as a Republican politician. It’s cold comfort to California’s liberals, but at least the rest of the world can relax knowing that politics seems to have put paid to any plans for Kindergarten Cop 2. Nevertheless, Hollywood’s pantheon of action protagonists has had an Arnie-sized hole in it for ages and now is the time to put it right.  

When it comes to action cinema, Asia is the guiding light but yet there seems to be no new heroes to fill America’s void. Jackie Chan and Jet Li have done their bit but not achieved the absolute solo superstardom that they enjoy back home (just look at the way that Jackie in particular has been limited to buddy movies). Chow Yun-Fat had fun as Sao Feng in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End but was merely a bit-part to add a bit of cultural pizzazz to the already confused plot. Stephen Chow of Shaolin Soccer and Kung Fu Hustle is more of a director-actor dynamo than an Arnie-a-like all-out action star and Tony Jaa of Ong-Bak fame wants to learn to speak English before he launches his Muay Thai assault on Middle America. I guess that, for the moment, the Far East hasn’t got the star to fill Schwarzenegger’s shoes. To truly find the solution, I suggest we head west and right into Arnie’s new realm of politics. 

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Vladimir Putin: the perfect candidate for Hollywood to consider as its new ‘outsider’ über-macho action hero. The current Russian president’s term ends next year and, with an impressive KGB background and a black belt in judo, he’s just the man the movie moguls need. With bull-headed bravado, defiant determination and a predilection for big, bold gestures, ‘Bad Vlad’ is no pushover. Putin has also impressed the wider world recently thanks to holiday photos that show him posturing bare-chested on a Siberian fishing trip. Put this rugged display of an action-man ego alongside the other photos in his extensive portfolio (Putin in control of tanks, Putin in full navy get-up, Putin throwing an opponent in a martial arts exhibition, etc.) and it’s clear that the man from the Kremlin could be a new Arnie-style icon. Perfect: leave it to rootin’ tootin’ Putin to put the boot in all those major motion pictures that need a foreign anti-hero. 

Alternatively, if Putin doesn’t want to play ball (and he frequently doesn’t) then I suggest that the movie moguls opt for another figure who consistently leaves the Pentagon frowning; one who is already the potential subject of an Oliver Stone documentary. He may view Hollywood as part of “The Great Satan” but the looney leader of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, would surely relish the opportunity to stick it to the Yankees and show just how tough Tehran really is. As with Putin he’s hawkish, hostile and doesn’t like people telling him what to do; dogmatic determination and a thing for nuclear power adds to his unconventionality. In the ‘clash of the titans’ tradition of Godzilla vs. King Kong, Ahmadinejad could face off with Chuck Norris in a cinematic deathmatch between Iran and America. It’d tap into the zeitgeist and pull in the audience, bring in huge box office takings and potentially exorcise the world’s tensions through the medium of film. Fantastic. Indeed, Arnie who?