When The Mummy remake premiered in 1999, it managed to appeal to a wide audience due to its sub-Indiana Jones tone, a winning performance from Brendan Fraser, and cheesy-yet-creative special effects. In other words, Universal stole one from movie audiences.
The inevitable sequel, The Mummy Returns, was an incoherent mess salvaged only by the rising star power of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I despised both films, but the sequel made me almost physically ill. I couldn’t believe that Universal had the balls to make a sequel to such nonsense, especially when the first film literally begged to be left alone.
And now we have another sequel to the franchise nobody cares about. Seven years later, The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is wasting valuable screen time.
The story is such a load of fucking bullshit that I can barely convince my fingers to type the synopsis. The overlong and overly serious prologue drones on about a dead emporer waiting to be resurrected so that he can call forth his undead army … blah, blah, blah. It’s like something out of Dragon Wars, except that film was infinitely more fun than this. The story takes this turn to the Orient in order to work super-hot Jet Li into the mix as the Dragon Emperor. One of my crushes, the incomparable Michelle Yeoh, slums her way through another soggy American film as some chick who is responsible for the Dragon Emperor’s entombment. It’s the type of lazy, written-on-the-fly storytelling that makes you wish you were deaf. Anything would be preferable to sitting through this contrived nothingness; I would rather ass-rape my own mother five minutes after her savage death than watch this thing again. I have seen Rorschach ink blots that contained more plot cohesion and dramatic sensibility.
Every aspect of this film is pointlessness personified. However, one thing absolutely needs to be mentioned: STOP FILLING THE SCREEN WITH TERRIBLE MOTHERFUCKING CGI JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT! Goddamnit, Ray Fucking Harryhausen could animate a cotton ball soaked in pig jizz more realistically than the computer effects in this fucking abomination. The Mummy 3 comes from that hallowed tradition of great CGI trailblazers like Van Helsing, where every last frame is crowded with terribly-crafted computer monsters and assorted pixelated bullshit. And while great fantasy films like Lord of the Rings work hard to make you believe in their monsters, director/moron Rob Cohen doesn’t care at all about trivialities like that. I cannot imagine that Cohen sat through the dailies on these special effects and thought, “Perfect! That looks so damn real!” Get some fucking glasses, Rob. And a fucking brain, too.
Fuck … I despised this thing. Is summer over yet????
17 Comments
Since you hated the first two so passionately, perhaps you weren’t the best choice to review this film.
@ Roars – I agree with you. However, the series has taken an obvious nosedive in quality from the first one. So, if you had doubts or reservations about THE MUMMY, then this one will make you queasy.
Was this a review or a bitch-fest?
I’ve seen two year-olds who don’t whine this much.
Matt, if you’re reading this PLEASE delete this horseshit impostor of a review and write a real one of Mummy 3.
Whether it’s good or bad, doesn’t matter long as it doesn’t go on a non-sop bullshit-laden rant. When Ray DeGrouse wastes more webpage space complaining than with actually reviewing the film it’s time to tell this jackass to hit the road.
I know you’re hard pressed for website writers Matt, but really, you can do better than this.
Hard pressed for writers? My mate used to write decent reviews for this website until Matt sacked him for not being ‘blog-like’ enough.
A really awful review. Was the vulgarity supposed to be funny or something. This review was just as bad as all three Mummy movies, but at least it was shorter.
I haven’t seen the film yet so I can’t make a judgement as to whether or not I agree with Ray. All I can say is that I got a huge kick outof the first movie in the series but am not overly excited about the idea of unnecessary, uninspired sequels but enjoy historical action, Chinese culture and Jet Li flicks.
To the review: it’s flippin’ hilarious. Keep the seriously funny spew coming Ray. Whatever you think of the writer or his review, you can’t deny the fact that he’s not afraid of expressing his opinion – and he does it in style.
Nice read, just like all Ray’s stuff. I enjoyed that…
Anyone who bitches about the level of profane hatred in this review has yet to see the movie. ‘Nuff said.
Know what? This website does this clever little thing where the top of the article TELLS WHO HAS WRITTEN IT. So Roars, JaySmack and RG, if you’re not a fan of Ray’s writing, why not filter out his pieces based on this handy little bit of web usability and then go elsewhere? Or did you think your whining was any more clever or tolerable than you judge Ray’s to be?
As ever, Ray, I’m a fan of your wicked prose and passionate viewpoint. If you’ve rescued one movie fan from seeing this film, I’d say “mission accomplished.”
Burbanked you silly cunt. Are you the usual sort of twat that pounces on anyone that dares to criticize? So what if I made an observation that suggested Ray wasn’t the right man for this review. He even agreed with me. So you can shove your half-rent, two-bob sideshow of a comment up your arse, you mook.
Wow, Roars. Kinda funny that you’d criticize me for pouncing by, well, pouncing on me for criticizing. Are you in some kind of hyper-ironic fugue or are you simply blessing me with that quick profane wit? Either way, thanks! You’re cute!
@ Burbanked – You understood what Roars was saying?? I would probably understand it if America hadn’t given up on the Queen’s English about 200 years ago.
YAY EBONICS!!!
Didn’t take long for this forum to move from the film to petty insults. But Ray, that’s kind of your fault. Your review seems to be more of an exercise in overstated vulgarity (your poor mum! she obviously never read your reviews, yeah?), than any attempt to promote serious dialogue about the film or the industry.
I’m not going to tell you how to write a review, but if this is your gimmick, then I’m happy to never read any of your stuff again. You may now tell everyone how you couldn’t care less.
Burbanked, yoo’re most welcome honey. Would like to add though, I merely asked you a question. As for the latter part of my last message, that was merely a suggestion in reply to your inaccurately adding me to your list of whiners.
As for you Ray, I don’t recall actually saying anything other than pointing out that maybe you should have skipped this review. You’ve handled criticism rather well thus far, so don’t spoil it now by suggesting I have the misfortune of being American. I dare say my last message carried as much profanity as your review.
But it’s all elementary my dear Watsons. I saw the film yesterday and really did find it poor. Now, I’m off to drive my car into a brick wall for having wasted time writing this.
@ Roars – I would never suggest that you should be an American. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible myself.
First off, Ray is an asshole who bashes every movie he reviews so his opinion means jack-shit. however he’s partially right. The movie really wasn’t too good. It was too sketchy, just not enough of the plot. It was only a two step process to become immortal and have his army raised. At least Imhotep was an actual fighter, he was killing people. Jet Li just marches straight through the film and doesn’t look left or right just goes for his goal. Except for the shapeshifting and a swordfight. He really didn’t do too much.
Sounds like Tomb of the Dragon Emperor met everyone’s expectations… Brendan Frasier tries too hard to act, so you can tell he’s acting
I’ve always wonder what a website would be like written by people with zero taste in movies. Now i know, your reviews of this year’s blockbusters are laughable. Thank goodness the viewing public have made the big movies massive successes and made you lot look like a bunch of moaning whiners.
Gave me a good laugh anyway, i never realised there so many people with no taste whatsoever.