I would love to be able to sit here and tell you I’d reviewed Streets of Blood and had been completely blown away- that I had just watched Val Kilmer cement the comeback he playfully hinted at with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and 50 Cent notch up his breakout performance that would surely see him fully accepted as an actor in his own right.
Sadly though someone has kidnapped my postman. Seriously, I know there is talk of a strike once again over pay (try working in retail you Postman Pat fucks!) but I havent had so much as a Reader’s Digest Winners Acknowledgement for two weeks. Having expected a raft of review discs in the same period, I’m more than a touch miffed at the conspicuous lack of even the lightest thud on the mat of Obsessed Towers in the morning.
So, instead I’m stuck with just advertising the releases Ive missed out on (I refuse to stream things generally), and watching some of the millions of DVDs I’ve bought over the past six months. Yesterday, as a link to the Val Kilmer led Streets of Blood, I watched Top Secret! (a lesser known output of the Zuckers). Needless to say, it’s incomparibly shite, devoid of any of the charm of the Zuckers’ earlier works- Airplane!, Police Squad or the Naked Gun series- and the only joy in it is watching Omar Sharif’s astounded face every time he’s on screen.
As another link to this week’s DVD release of Streets of Blood (which I will endeavour to review in this space the minute I get it), I’m returning to my old favourite listing format, and suggesting the Top Ten Rapper to Actor Transitions. You have to think 50 Cent would fair better as an actor if he dropped the ludicrous name and stuck with plain old Curtis Jackson. If it works for Dwayne Johnson…
10. Ludacris
Real Name: Chris Bridges
Superfly: Crash, 2 Fast 2 Furious.
Cant Touch This: Fred Claus
9. LL Cool J
Real Name: James Todd Smith
Superfly: Any Given Sunday, Toys, Deep Blue Sea
Cant Touch This: Halloween H2O
8. Eminem
Real Name: Marshall Mathers
Superfly: 8 Mile
Cant Touch This: 8 Mile
7. 50 Cent
Real Name: Curtis Jackson
Superfly: Home of the Brave, Streets of Blood, Righteous Kill
Cant Touch This: Get Rich or Die Tryin’
6. Ice T
Real Name: Tracy Marrow
Superfly: New Jack City, Leprechaun In The Hood
Cant Touch This: Tank Girl
5. Ice Cube
Real Name: O’Shea Jackson
Superfly: Friday, Boyz n the Hood, Torque.
Cant Touch This: Are We Done Yet?
4. Common
Real Name: Lonnie Rashid Lynn
Superfly: American Gangster, Wanted, Smokin’ Aces
Cant Touch This: Terminator Salvation
3. Mos Def
Real Name: Dante Terrell Smith
Superfly: The Woodsman, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Be Kind Rewind
Cant Touch This: Michael Jackson’s Ghosts
2. Marky Mark
Real Name: Mark Wahlberg
Superfly: The Departed, Boogie Nights, The Perfect Storm
Cant Touch This: Max Payne
1. The Fresh Prince
Real Name: Will Smith
Superfly: The Pursuit of Happyness, Ali, Six Degrees of Separation
Cant Touch This: Wild Wild West
Come back when I’ve seen Streets of Blood. You might just be surprised. Oh, and let me know if Ive missed any rapper/actors…
STREETS OF BLOOD IS AVAILABLE NOW ON DVD AND BLURAY
