Sorry about my absence lately. I’ve been deep in the heart of my laboratory, cooking up some exciting, life-altering stuff. And masturbating a lot.

Let me just preface this review by stating that I have never even gazed upon a WATCHMEN comic strip, and that, prior to seeing the first trailer for this film, I had no understanding of THE WATCHMEN universe. In other words, I’m representative of 99.99999999% of the population of Earth unfamiliar with Alan Moore’s alternative universe graphic novel.

For those billions of potential fans, the story (condensed) goes something like this: In an alternate 1985, a group of retired superheroes are being picked off by an unknown assailant just as President Richard Nixon is pushing the world to the brink of nuclear war. The most devoted of the group, a mysterious and violent vigilante named Rorschach, reunites with his former superhero team to discover the murderer, and attempt to avert Armageddon.

Of course, the graphic novel, spread over twelve issues and acclaimed for its density and depth, goes into much greater detail than my tiny little summary … but unfortunately the film does as well. And ultimately, that failure to trim material for the sake of brevity and intensity undoes director Zach Snyder’s brave attempt to adapt this material.

First the good stuff, which almost entirely falls at the feet of Rorschach, and the stunning performance by Jackie Earle Haleyto bring him to life. The character is brutal, seething with hate and revulsion at the world around him, and he gives life to this movie with his every scene. Haley, though confined by a mask throughout most of the running time, manages to convey Rorschach’s intense and perverse obsessions perfectly. But when Haley is freed from that mask, he is electric. I don’t think his performance is Oscar-worthy to the point that Heath Ledger’s performance was a year ago, but I think it will end up among my favorite performances of the year much the way Robert Downey Jr.’s performances ruled my best-of last year.

Also amazing is the embodiment of Dr. Manhattan, brought to life by Billy Crudupand a team of very talented CGI artists. This being, the only truly superhuman creature in the film, is an all-powerful naked man who glows blue and is capable of any feat in the universe. His conflict throughout the film provides it with some of its most thought-provoking ideas, grappling with notions of life and death, power and corruption on a cosmic scale that lends the entire film a sense of awe and wonder. Crudup gives Manhattan a cold, distant line reading that perfectly captures the indifference in the decisions he makes throughout. On top of that performance is nearly-photorealistic CGI, which reinforces Manhattan’s near-human origin.

And while I’m on the subject, Snyder deserves real credit for not bowing to pressure to conceal Dr. Manhattan’s genitalia. I can only imagine the studio heads balking at a $150 million dollar movie with a big blue dick waving around in the faces of the audience, but Snyder’s decision to leave it in there helps to visually demonstrate Manhattan’s lack of basic human qualities like modesty. Of course, if I had a cock that big, I’d probably be less inclined to strap on pants myself.

Now here comes the bad stuff … THE WATCHMEN plays much like the trailers suggest, which is cross between a tiny bit of realism of THE DARK KNIGHT and a lot of 300, mixed with a dash of SIN CITY. Like those films, there are pretty pictures galore, but a surprising lack of coherent storytelling and character development. The costumes are ornate, the special effects top-notch, and the performances over the top … yet the entire enterprise feels very cold and calculated. Aside from the Rorschach character and arc, there is almost nothing here that transports or elicits exhilaration in the same way that genre classics like STAR WARS have accomplished in the past with far fewer effects and stunts.

One huge strike against this film is the length. In an attempt to adapt the entire twelve-cycle comic, Snyder and writers David Hayter and Alex Tse have thrown in everything except the subscription. That means that a giant, rabbit-eared cat shows up near the end of the film without any reason or explanation; its demise moments later has some sort of emotional resonance with the villain, yet the audience cannot relate at all. I’m sure it meant something in the context of the comic book, but in the film it is ludicrous and off-putting.

So it is with most of this film. Rather than trim this monstrous superhero epic down into a manageable feature film, Snyder has instead made a film for the comic’s rabid but very small fanbase. While watching it, I kept wondering who was going to get any of this besides the geeks who have been spontaneously ejaculating over this material for the last twenty years. While I never felt lost, much of the film left me cold because I simply couldn’t care about these characters as presented here; a more focused screenplay, one that excised the extraneous stuff, would have served the characters and the story in this format. Two hours and forty minutes is just too long to stare at computer generated effects and soap opera histrionics.

And if anything is begging to be trimmed and edited, it is Moore’s original comic book storyline. Although it certainly contains some thought-provoking ideas, intriguing set pieces, and two great characters, much of the storyline is soap opera nonsense involving rape, love triangles, and illegitimate children; if I wanted to watch that, I’d watch the STAR WARS saga again. In addition, the hokey plot device of using an alternate 1985 smacks of artistic masturbation – what is the point of it besides attention-seeking?? As presented by the film, this plot device only serves to distract – rather than enhance – the entire fabric of the film. My audience laughed at every appearance of Richard Nixon and Lee Iacocca, as well as many of the other references to pop culture changes throughout. I couldn’t help but think that the movie would have played better had the alternate universe aspect been replaced by either a 1985 reality or a current-day reality. Regardless, it makes little sense to introduce an alternate reality situation in a film without some suggestion as to WHY it’s there, or what function it plays in the story. Here, it’s reduced to a mere gimmick.

Lately I have been hearing Snyder’s name bandied around as one of the most talented directors working today. Judging by this film and 300, he has a long way to go to be anything more than a director of Photoshopped images. Outside of the inherent script problems, Snyder fails to imbue the film with any sort of realistic human elements that would allow people to care about what happens onscreen. And before the whiners insist that it’s only a comic book movie, I would counter that STAR WARS was just about as ridiculous as major motion pictures get, yet George Lucas managed to ground the film with enough reality and character that audiences completely fell under its spell. Here, nothing really matters beyond the next quip, special effect, naked body, or blood splatter. Like 300, this film feels lightweight and pointless when it intends to be epic and dramatic.

Fans of the comic book will certainly love this movie, since the film pays slavish attention to almost pointless details throughout. Fans of Snyder’s 300 will also probably like this, since this film mirrors 300’s glossy, video-gamey look, nudity and gore. But for those hungry for a film experience that resonates in any sort of relatable human way, this film is a delicious looking – and very plastic – entree.