SPEED RACER - Ray’s Review
Written & Directed by: The Wachowski Brothers
Based on the Speed Racer animated series created by Tatsuo Yoshida
Starring: Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Matthew Fox, Benno Furmann, Hiroyuki Sanada, Rain, Richard Roundtree, Kick Gurry, Roger Allam, Scott Porter, Anatole Taubman, Nicholas Elia
Distributed by Warner Brothers
Film will be released in the U.K. and U.S. on May 9th 2008
Review by Ray DeRousse
The seventies cartoon SPEED RACER did not burn rubber in the imaginations of an entire generation of young boys due to its gorgeous animation, deep characterization, or labyrinthine plotting. The cartoon succeeded because of THE CAR.
Yes, the Mach Five was the dream car for boys all around the world. Our minds reeled at the possibilities afforded us in the hum-drum world if we were behind the wheel of that extraordinary vehicle. That simple device was the chassis upon which was built a very successful - though not successfully animated - cartoon classic.
And it’s the one thing the Wachowski’s forgot in this completely stillborn remake.
The Wachowski’s insisted from the beginning that they wanted to keep the “children’s show” aspect of the cartoon intact; this was going to be a kid’s movie, not an adult version of the show. Great. But then they proceed to vomit out a movie so thoroughly incomprehensible and complicated that it can do nothing but bore/alienate/lobotomize kids everywhere. I will not attempt to summarize it simply because it cannot be understood. I defy anyone to completely explain this film that isn’t either the Wachowski Brothers or their team of therapists. I will describe it thusly: Take the mindbendingly complex plotting of the entire Godfather trilogy, and then imagine it if it was filmed through a filter of the stargate sequence in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY using actors from TRON. That, in a nutshell, is this movie.
Before I eviscerate everything else, let me point out the lone positive aspect of this entire production: the performances of the cast. Everyone is, for the most part, terrific in their roles … even the fucking monkey. Particularly good were John Goodman and Susan Sarandon as Speed’s parents, bringing a depth not evident in either the old show or the new script that was apparently conjured from a piece of toilet paper dangling from the asshole of a homeless person. Emile Hirsch is surprisingly effective as Speed, providing just the right touches of naivete and aggression to the role. Christina Ricci is, of course, sexy, while Matthew Fox apparently portrays a somnambulist in black leather named Racer X.
These performances are torpedoed by a lifeless, misguided script that confuses the term “motivation” with “unending backstory.” The first fifteen minutes of this overlong film (two hours and fifteen minutes for a KID’S movie?? Are you kidding?) consists of flashbacks within flashbacks. I counted four in all, including one from Rex Racer’s point of view. Such ridiculous overplotting is completely unnecessary for film based on SPEED RACER. It needs a simple story of good versus evil and right versus wrong; save the rest for THE MATRIX REWIRED.
However, given the art direction and overproduction with which this abortion was created, no amount of screenplay editing could have saved it from oblivion. I admire radical directorial choices, I really do. But when characters and backgrounds smear around like a swirl of fast food diarrhea, even a Dr. Seuss story would leave my head spinning. The racing scenes here, which represent about a third of the film, are so frenetically cut and computerized that it’s impossible to discern what’s going on. Cars spin wildly and constantly, bashing into each other at such close range and so quickly that the brain, which is nature’s greatest computer, cannot keep up. These out-of-control races take place on color-smeared racetracks against flashing, colored backgrounds. The brain finally gives up, leaving any cognitive being in their seat with their mouth hanging open in stunned shock.
The cumulative effect of this visual overload is an indifference to any action onscreen. The Wachowski’s are clearly gunning for a feel-good, Star Wars-like finale, but instead there is only an exhausted gasp. Being an audience member at SPEED RACER is like being Malcolm McDowell in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, except our eyes are pasted open by the paralysis-inducing wretch of color and light. We weep, not for experiencing our first emotion, but rather our last.
Believe me, this is the most misguided attempt at a summer film since HULK, even though that was a decent film that simply didn’t fulfill genre expectations. It’s actually difficult to find comparative examples of atrocity. Maybe the Matthew Broderick version of GODZILLA? Maybe ISHTAR? I cannot overstate the wrongness of this entire production. It fails on almost every level.
A monumental disaster. Movie lovers can now relax; nothing this summer can fail worse than this.
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Completely agree with everything you said there Ray. I had the misfortune of seeing this a couple of weeks ago and I’m still having a few sleepless nights as a result.
Comment by Roars | May 6, 2008
Sorry to hear it, pal. I know that you were looking forward to this, as I was. I think in the back of my mind I thought this would probably be likely, but wanted to believe that the excitement of the trailers would translate to something new and cool. Thanks again, Hollywood!
Comment by Burbanked | May 6, 2008
*random*
um, actually, I’m a girl, but the Mach5 was also my dream car in the cartoon heydays of SR.
Comment by _N_r_chy | May 6, 2008
“Take the mindbendingly complex plotting of the entire GODFATHER TRILOGY, and then imagine it if it was filmed through a filter of the stargate sequence in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY using actors from TRON. That, in a nutshell, is this movie.”
Thats genius. Put THAT on the poster! LOL
Comment by Paul | May 6, 2008
From the footage and imagery I’ve seen I expected it to get bad reviews for its excessive all-out technicolour yawn assault on the viewer’s senses. I didn’t expect it to be a complex film seeing as it’s been plugged as a family-friendly flick. Then again, those Wachowskis like bending brains…
Great writing as always Ray. My comiserations that something you felt compassionately about let you down in a big way. I’ve a feeling I’ll feel the same when they unleash the Tintin films and trounce over my childhood…
Comment by James Clayton | May 6, 2008
I agree with James, except for the Tintin part since I haven’t read the comic.
Comment by Lencho | May 6, 2008
Now, what’s the deal with this “Mach 6″ business? Is this a new creation? I saw the toy version of it at the store yesterday and had a nice “wtf” moment. I wouldn’t say I’m into Speed Racer, so if it’s something that’s always existed, please forive my ignorance.
Comment by Phil | May 6, 2008
From what I hear, the Mach 6 is the type of car he needs for the final race. It was created for the film.
Comment by Lencho | May 6, 2008
Thanks, guys.
Yes, the Mach Six is created for the end race, because the Mach Five was apparently destroyed … I guess … although I never saw that happen. In fact, the Mach Five is the superior car. The Mach Six does nothing except drive really fast.
I want to make something clear: SPEED RACER is not my childhood friend or anything. However, I always thought it would make a great movie if done properly. In fact, I wrote a script several years ago, but Lauren Shuler-Donner (the producer at the time) wouldn’t take a look at it since I did not own the copyright.
Now, when the Wachowskis stepped onboard, I thought, “Okay, these guys can probably make something much better than I could ever imagine with the show.”
Nope. Mine’s better. And I say that without any whiff of ego.
I cannot believe they managed to totally ruin this concept. It’s fucking FOOLPROOF, and they did it anyway. Larry Wachowski had better look into doing drag shows for a living, because the end of his directorial career is in sight.
Comment by Ray | May 6, 2008
I enjoyed the show too. It was one of the first anime I ever saw thanks to Toonami. I do find the whole literal live-action cartoon aspect of the film interesting. And this car-fu stuff sounds interesting too.
Comment by Lencho | May 7, 2008
@ Lencho - Yeah, I understand your enthusiasm … but it’s really NOT as interesting as it sounds.
Comment by Ray | May 7, 2008
Damn … I hope the same doesn’t happen with the G-Force movie … Wachoswkis , what’s going on? Don’t loose your ways.
Comment by JAM | May 7, 2008
“I want to make something clear: SPEED RACER is not my childhood friend or anything. However, I always thought it would make a great movie if done properly. In fact, I wrote a script several years ago, but Lauren Shuler-Donner (the producer at the time) wouldn’t take a look at it since I did not own the copyright.”
That says it all. Bitter much?
Comment by Truthsayer | May 8, 2008
Amazing that they could even elaborate a cartoon that only had 11 episodes into a movie at all.
Comment by Madhatt3r | May 8, 2008
@ TRuthsayer - Not at all. As Matt noted, I was looking forward to this movie. I wanted it to be successful. However, it sucks.
Go see it for yourself instead of being a douche bag.
Comment by Ray | May 9, 2008
That was a great review.
Comment by cambion | May 9, 2008
Spot on review. I felt the same way. Honestly, I didn’t make it past minute 95, but then again neither did 50% of the audience that was in the theater with me. Dialog worse than a porno, effects for the sake of effects and overacting just made this a total disaster.
Comment by Louis | May 10, 2008
Hate to say I told ya so. Let SR’s flopping at the BO this weekend stand as a lesson to you Bay-formers aplogists and GI Joke defenders.
Raping an adaptation because you want to put your own “stamp” on it and then trying to cover up this egotistacal stunt by claiming you can make it appeal to the kiddies is Dumb-Ass! When I saw the trailer for SR I said right then and there it looked simple-minded, contemptible and dim-witted.
Sadly I was right. I am a firm believer (and the box-office and franchise-longevity prove it!) that the more literal a translation/adaptation is the better.
Let’s take a moment to ask ourselves how it came to this. What made the Wachowski’s think they could get away with this stunt or that they had the right to crap on somoene else’s beloved franchise? Check out some of the comments on these board from time to time. Some morons, thinking they sound clever, actually defend sh*t films as if they’d been handed down by God himself. They try to make impassioned defenses of why their empty-headed acceptance (indeed obessseion) for any old crap that gets slapped in front of them is because said bastardization is “better.”
“You have to broaden the franchise beyond the irratinoal fanboy base.” Isn’t that the latest battlecry of the legions of dumbasses?
Guess that’s why Iron Man (the most literal translation of a comic since Batman Begins) is still number one at the BO and Speed Racer just crashed and burned.
Yep, raping a franchise is the way to go. And being respectful of the source material is just a pandering to irrational “fanboys.”
Sure. Right. Just keep telling yourself that. Harry Potter fans sh*t a brick because one of the characters in the last movie didn’t die the way his character did in the book. Now THAT’S irrational. THAT’S insane! THAT’S “childish.” If Harry Potter’s movies portrayed him as an American going to a normal high school and taking up magic after his Uncle Ben died (hope that doesn’t give Lorenzo Dumb-aventura or Don Murphy any ideas!)and then having the British military get called in to storm his wizard academy (and of course have the royal Marines take down Voldemort because Harry and his wizard pals aren’t tough enough) THEN you could scream bloody murder. But bitching about minutiae is crazy.
Though you’ll notice how nobody calls the Potter fans “fanboys” or “crazy?” Nobody says Harry Potter’s just a stupid set of stories clearly what the concept has devolved into. I guess when you’re dealing with novels they’re considered more respectable than a comic book or a cartoon, so it’s okay to be hypocrites.
If you make excuses for the Michael Bay’s and Lorenzo Dumb-aventuras wrecking franchises it won’t be long before someone sodomizes one that you like.
Think about it.
Comment by JaySmack | May 11, 2008
I actually thought this was pretty good. Just a blockbuster, but I thought it had a certain honesty about it thats rare. Whatever flaws it has, I’m dissappointed that it hasn’t done better at the BO because theres few films willing to do any experimentation–even if its this sort of mass-audience, “video game” experimentation–while superhero movie after superhero movie rakes home a gazillion dollars, or some absolutely tepid teen comedy. Speed Racer was a very interesting film for a blockbuster, and thats pretty rare these days.
Comment by Michael Kaminski | May 11, 2008
@ Michael - As I said in my review, I love experimental films. I encourage them wholeheartedly. ESPECIALLY summer blockbuster films - breaking that particular mold is more than welcome.
However, this thing fails not only as a SPEED RACER film, but also as a coherent narrative or as a rousing experience. All of the garish colors and fast, CGI-enabled quick-cutting in the world cannot disguise the intrinsic narrative mess underneath. And then it goes on for over two fucking hours to boot!!!
I would say that this movie is like watching the pod race from PHANTOM MENACE on fast forward for two straight hours, except that Lucas managed to make that race discernible. Everything in this movie is a wash of color, light, and incoherent stupidity.
Comment by Ray | May 11, 2008
I dunno, I didn’t have ANY problem telling what was going on in the races, and I was stoned off my ass. I really enjoyed myself.
Comment by Steve | May 14, 2008