Why We Should Love Uwe Boll
Yeah, yeah, yeah … I’ve heard all of the common complaints:
“Uwe Boll is the worst film director since Edward D. Wood Jr.”
“Uwe Boll ass-raped my dead grandmother.”
“Uwe Boll is the prophetic fulfillment of the wild beast from the book of Revelation.”
And, of course:
“Uwe Boll has an unsightly gap between his two front teeth.”
Look, people … tell me something I don’t already know.
Internet fanboys like to jump on bandwagons faster than a greenlight for a Will Ferrell sports comedy. Their favorite chew-toy is the much-maligned Boll, whose filmography primarily consists of video game adaptations like House Of The Dead and In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Seige Tale. Drop Boll into a casual conversation with a fanboy, and it usually degenerates into uncontrollable spitting, hissing, and vomiting.
The latest round of Boll hatred involves a stupid website that is petitioning Boll to stop making movies. This online petition now has over 127,000 signatures, thanks in large part to the curious involvement of fanboy websites like SlashFilm. Of course, I find it odd that nobody involved with the creation and promotion of this petition fails to see how moronic and overindulgent such a petition is - precisely the type of behavior credited to Boll himself.
Boll has responded to this outright attack on his creative and civil liberties with his usual sarcasm. He released this video in response to his online critics:
“I am the only genius in the whole fucking business.”
I LOVE IT!!!
I have no doubt that, thanks to these statements by Boll, all of the fanboys worldwide are stewing in their reclining office chairs right now. They totally miss the point of Boll’s statement, which is designed to stir the pot. Boll has been playing this sarcastic angle for years, genially playing the egomanical nutcase while the fanboy community stews in its own frothy drool.
Isn’t that great?!?
It’s hard to believe that an entire legion of film fans cannot see the brilliant humor of Boll stepping into a ring and beating down a critic like a whiny little bitch. Do you really think Michael F. Bay would do the same thing and endanger his perfectly-coiffed hair? Or what about Eli Roth? Of course not!
I mean, Boll makes money with NAZI GOLD! Shouldn’t that count somewhere on the “Coolest Fucking Shit On The Face Of The Earth” meter???
Here’s the problem I have with all of the fanboy hatred: Uwe Boll is doing exactly what we wish we were all doing right now. While Peter Sciretta is sitting on his fat ass all day in his basement writing snide comments on the internet, Boll wakes up in the morning and MAKES MOVIES! His filmography, while not enviable, contains feature films released in theaters around the world … and we’ve done NOTHING. If Boll played Asteroids on an old Atari game system and decided it would make a great movie, he could get it made; meanwhile, we play it, and all we can do is imagine what a Boll adaptation might look like.
It’s a simple case of the “have-nots” mocking the the “haves” for all of the stuff they lack. Pretty pathetic, if you ask me.
And while anyone above the age of two can see that Boll has made some terrible films in the past, is it really true that he has not improved? We must remember that Boll did not go to school for film; he’s been learning about film craft as he has continued to make them. Making fun of Boll as he learns film is akin to mocking a two year-old as it learns how to run.
While Alone In The Dark probably received a fair degree of criticism, Boll’s recent films are showing a much greater degree of sophistication and skill than the fanboys are willing to concede. In The Name Of The King received quite a few positive reviews.
Most promising is Boll’s upcoming Postal, which is his satirical take on world events. Take a look at the opening minutes of this film and tell me it doesn’t look interesting:
Instead of mocking Boll, we should be embracing him. He has managed to work in an industry that most of us would dearly love to join, all without compromising his vision. While no Spielberg, he is learning on the job and attempting to make films that people will enjoy. It is a failure of the bandwagon-hopping fanboy hordes that Boll has become an icon of evil when he should be a hero.
He has the job we all wish we had, and he is doing his best. Give the guy a little slack.
NOTE TO BOLL: I think I might set up that website you requested in your video. Keep up the good work!!!
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Interesting thoughts, though I don’t entirely agree. I can’t say I’ve ever aspired to be a Uwe Boll, and let’s remember how he finances his films. He has never had a film greenlit for merit - either by fan reaction or box office returns.
It is cool that he went one-on-one with his critics. That was a ballsy move - and Uwe Boll does always seem like a genuinely nice fella.
You will notice we didn’t post about the petition on this site. It was a ridiculous little scheme.
Though I will admit if Boll stopped making movies my life wouldn’t change. I don’t ever see any of his movies anyway and I’m not sure I have ever made it to the end of one of his films.
I’m not sure why people get so worked up about Boll. It’s not like his movies ever effect our lives - we just avoid them anyway. And he doesn’t ever get his hands on projects we would care about like some more talented but equally terrible directors in the industry.
Normally I would say - yeah the guy makes movies and getting a single film greenlit is fucking hard! Hundreds and hundreds are rejected every year alone - I wouldn’t be surprised if it was thousands.
If you make a film or contributed to the making of a film then you have truly made it. But the tax money or whatever he does to get his money makes him an exception.
Comment by Matt Holmes | April 9, 2008
I too found this interesting. I’ve never seen any of his films just because I don’t care for them, haven’t played the video games they’re based on, and I hear so many bad comments about them. But, when was the last time you’ve seen a GOOD video game adapation anyway?
This whole tax thing he does sounds shady, though.
Comment by Lencho | April 9, 2008
Hohoho, now this was a refreshing bit of
internet-film-fanboy-coolness-news-letter-post-thing that I have read
in quite a while! I hand my hat over to you, mr Ray for bringing me
this this evening.
As for “Postal”, I’m definitely checking that out..
Comment by epleterte | April 9, 2008
“While Peter Sciretta is sitting on his fat ass all day in his basement
writing snide comments on the internet, Boll wakes up in the morning
and MAKES MOVIES!”Actually, I sit on a third floor office writing about movies, not in my parent’s basement. /Film is a highly read movie news blog, appreciated by many (as far as I can tell at least). I can count the amount of people that appreciate Boll’s films on one hand (okay, maybe an exageration) But I guess since I don’t MAKE movies, than my life is completely invalid, and I can’t possibly have or express an opinion about Uwe Boll’s work. Oh wait, isn’t that what you guys do too? Write about movies? I’m confused… :)
Comment by Peter Sciretta | April 10, 2008
Like Holmes, I don’t agree with everything, but its cool that someone is finally opening their eyes to the Boll hysteria.I don’t get why people are so hard on Uwe. I enjoyed almost all of his movies because I can step back and see them as entertainment, not earth-shattering paeans to the human condition (then again, I have yet to see Postal and that may yet prove to be Earth-shattering).The 2002 film, “Heart of America,” by Uwe Boll is a huge step away from the video game adaptations everyone seems to hate and is a genuinely good film (with a few laughworthy performances), but it will never be given a chance because Uwe’s name is attached. When a viewer catches himself enjoying it, he’ll step back and say, “Wait, this is a Boll film…”Everyone seems to hate Uwe because its the fashionable thing to do. People go into Uwe’s movies already hating them and searching for flaws because all they read and hear is people talking this outrageously hateful drivel toward a man who has never done anything but make a movie.I often hear, “I hate him because he’s taking games that I enjoy and making crappy films out of them.” People forget that he enjoys the games, too. He said in an interview that he has to make the film accessible to more than just gamers. If he makes a film that sticks too close to the game, people will hate him (a la House of the Dead) and he won’t attract John Q. Public. If he makes a movie that is farther separated from the game and appeals to John Q. Public, video gamers will hate him for not sticking close enough to the source. Gamers are never satisfied because they are so close to the material. They spend hours with these games and if the film doesn’t evoke the same feeling as the game, the director is a hack and is petitioned against by technology-savvy nerds. It’s really unfair .Its such a fine line and I applaud Uwe for daring to walk it. I will always support Uwe Boll because I believe he is misjudged and was dealt an unfair hand.I could rant all day, but I digress.
Comment by Connor | April 10, 2008
@ Peter Sciretta - Most of the fanboys I know or read would KILL to make a movie. Some, like John “Giovanni” Campea, have managed to put together a film … but a vast majority haven’t. Perhaps you don’t have the desire to DIRECT a film, but I bet you’d love to be the writer of one. Anyway, the point is that most of us - and yes, I am including myself in this argument - would love to do what Boll does every single day, yet all we can manage to do is bitch and moan about their creative works rather than do anything ourselves.
You can try to take the high road here, but let’s face it - your “highly respected and viewed site” has spent precious bandwidth recently trying to promote this awful and embarrassing scheme to ban Uwe Boll from moviemaking. GROW UP. Boll has the right to make any fucking film he desires, and more power to him if he can manage it. Meanwhile, you and your ilk can STAY AWAY from it and NOT WATCH IT … that is YOUR right. This petition thing is ridiculous, and I cannot believe your site should promote such a thing.
Comment by Ray | April 10, 2008
Ray - Woah… You sound like one of those “fall in line” “don’t question president Bush” type guys…
Comment by Peter Sciretta | April 10, 2008
fuck yeah! There are few things that anger me more than Boll-hating. Unless I missed the day when everyone was required to watch his movies. Especially when the games he adapts aren’t even really good to begin with, it’s not like he’s fucking with classic games (though Far Cry is quite good) the way Steven De Souza, Annabel Jankel, or Paul Anderson have.
Comment by Horror Movie A Day | April 10, 2008
Uwe Boll is like a walking cartoon character. Even if he is being serious, he’s funny as hell. And honestly, I never understood the hate either.
Comment by cambion | April 10, 2008
You approve Boll just because he makes movies?? and because that’s your dream?? even if those movies are one of the worst movies ever made??Oh yeaaah right, he makes movies, he is a world hero!! we should love him.C’mon…
Comment by Kode | April 10, 2008
Uwe Boll sucks and you know it. I’m kind of dissapointed in OWF now that i’ve read this.
Comment by MovieFreak | April 10, 2008
Don’t be disappointed in OWF! We don’t all have the same opinion! I make short films as well as writing, it’s just nobody watches them… And I agree that it’s stupid that we can’t dislike Uwe Boll’s work just because he gets to do it and we don’t. I hate his films and it’s not because I’m jealous of his success. I’m also jealous of Michael Bay’s success, and the success of every other director who makes crap movies, my failures don’t impair my ability to spot a crap movie, just my ability to make a good one!!!But for the record, the video response was funny and you’ve got to respect the guy for not taking this stuff lying down.
Comment by Michael Edwards | April 10, 2008
I shouldn’t hate Boll’s movies because I haven’t made one? You’re talking about of your ass Ray. I have NEVER seen a more pathetic ass-kissing article than this one.
If you don’t want your crazy uncle Boll to be criticized, then tell him to make a good film. The guy hasn’t even made “artisitc progress.” His work is still as shitty today as it was when he debuted.
Perhaps your rant would make more sense if you were defending someone like Stephen Sommers or Paul “Worthless Script” Anderson. Directors who aren’t up to the task the material requires as opposed to Boll who has yet to make anything half-way watchable.
As far as I’m concerned Peter’s dong the Lord’s work. You may not be sick and tired of the turgid crap Hollywood trots out week after week, but most moviegoers are. During the 90’s I at least had a choice between good (not great, but good) and shit movies. Toady it’s almost all shit. The theaters are empty and Netflix website if full. See any connection here? Judging by this love-letter you wrote, probably not.
It’s time to run the Boll’s and Bay’s out of the business.
Comment by JaySmack | April 10, 2008
You’re missing the point, though. He makes truly shit, truly insulting, worthless movies. He needs to be removed from imdb, and forced to stop making films. How can you support a person who would openly film a satire of 9/11?
Comment by Will Hines | April 10, 2008
This whole thing could be a very clever piece of marketing. Postal is released next month, after all. It wasn’t even on my radar, and I dare say most other peoples, until I read all these articles about the guy going around at the moment.
Comment by Peter Willis | April 10, 2008
Oh yeah, I forgot one thing. Ray- you said we would all kill to do what Boll’s position. Personally, I’m not too bothered if my job involves making shitty films on a daily basis. Case closed- stop being such a brown-noser. He’s shit, we know it, you know it, so stop stirring…
Comment by Will Hines | April 10, 2008
You guys must be insane. I didn’t say you can’t hate his movies, you bunch of dumbasses. I said stop hating on HIM. This petition to drive him from filmmaking is retarded and embarrassing. Like I said (had you actually read the entire article), his movies are improving in quality as he has learned more about the craft. I freely admit that some of his films have been pretty bad. But he is trying, and is getting better.
My point is that all of these fanboys on these sites rail against him and, like George Bush’s sheep, sign petitions against the guy, when all he is doing is making movies - something a lot of us would love to do but don’t. I get tired of hearing the bitching from fanboys about this guy, when they themselves should count this guy as one of their own. He is just doing what they - myself included - would love to be doing.
If you don’t like his movies, don’t go and see them. But signing a fucking petition against his moviemaking is absolutely ridiculous. The guy is doing what he loves to do, and he has the right to continue to do so.
God … what a bunch of morons.
Comment by Ray | April 10, 2008
I can’t say I was particularly impressed with the article- you were just brown-nosing basically…Boll would be perfectly entitled to keep making movies… if (and this is a fuck off huge if)… his movies weren’t insulting and detrimental to the film industry. And please, continue lowering yourself to the level of some pond-life. ‘Morons’? Is that really all you’ve got… and you have the audacity to call us morons when you openly support the worst moviemaker in existence…
Comment by Will Hines | April 10, 2008
I never made a movie, but If I made films as bad as Boll’s I wouldn’t want to be a filmmaker.
This “article” was ass-kissing, plain and simple. Were you promised some free swag if you pimped Boll’s insipid self-reverential rant? Hollywood’s in real trouble Ray, in case you hadn’t noticed. And it’s because we have few people like Del Toro, and tons of Michael Bay’s and Uwe Boll’s. Fans need to be proactive and demand quality.
Or does that scare you Ray? The idea that movies will stop catering to the 13 year-old/mindless retard crowd, as they have the last ten years?
This article is why Hollywood doesn’t even try to make good movies anymore. Why bother when you’ll get the same amount of support from unthinking “fanboys” for making crap as you will for quality.
Oh, and I went ahead and signed the petition too, simply for the warm glow of knowing it may bring us one step closer to Boll being driven from the industry –or at the very least it’s a good way to lend support to a good effort.
Comment by JaySmack | April 10, 2008
“If you don’t like his movies, don’t go and see them. But signing a
fucking petition against his moviemaking is absolutely ridiculous. The
guy is doing what he loves to do, and he has the right to continue to
do so.”
It’s not fucking rediculous. Why shouldn’t we sign a petition?
“Like I said (had you actually read the entire article), his movies are
improving in quality as he has learned more about the craft. I freely
admit that some of his films have been pretty bad. But he is trying,
and is getting better.”
So it’s perfectly alright to pollute the big screen with his film-school reject bullshit because “aww, he’s just learning!” There are SO MANY films out there that are just works of goddamn art that could be on the big screen, but there isn’t room, because this Hack is spewing his bullshit over the country.No, the silver screen is NOT WHERE A DIRECTOR LEARNS.A DIRECTOR LEARNS IN FILM SCHOOL. Or by making small budget, indie films. Not by consistently releasing bullshit and making fun of anyone who attempts to offer constructive criticsm.
Comment by Chris | April 10, 2008
No fanboys railed against Boll. Boll brought this on himself by stating it in an interview. He calls movie fans out on a dare to stop him from making more (crap) movies. So it’s his own fault.
The only reason he made so many movies is because there was (is) a tax loophole in german wich he exploited.
Comment by MovieFreak | April 10, 2008
Yeah, I’m brown-nosing. You see, I want to make movies too, and so OF COURSE I want to publicly suck up to one of the most hated directors in the history of film.
Wake the fuck up.
I am simply stating an opinion here. The guy has managed to make many movies using a variation on the no-budget technique of finding investors. He is one of the independents, my friends. We applaud people like Kevin Smith - a horrible director in reality - for doing the exact same thing as Boll. If you think about it, Smith has perhaps two decent movies under his belt - CLERKS (which I still hate anyway) and CHASING AMY. The rest of his filmography is nearly unwatchable. YEt, fanboys defend the guy anyway, based in large part because of the goodwill he receives as a “fanboy who made good.” Smith managed to scrape together a film career against all odds, and despite his lack of directorial talent.
Boll is trying to do the same thing. The results might not have been as culturally significant as Smith’s but they are similar.
Face the bitter truth: Boll has the right to make any movie he wants. You guys have the right to avoid any movie he makes. Petitions against him are a childish waste of time, and, truthfully speaking, an embarrassment to people who call themselves fans of the medium.
Comment by Ray | April 10, 2008
It’s alright, in half a century’s time a young film-maker with a dark sensibility and great visual ideas will shoot a biopic of Boll with some aging actor playing Udo Kier in BLOODYRAYNE.
The character of Boll and his passion for making films will inspire generations and win several awards and land on critics all time best lists.
Well it happened with ED WOOD anyway!
Comment by Matt Holmes | April 10, 2008
You know, I got to thinking about one of JaySmack’s ranting comments and wanted to add this:
In the fifties and sixties, Edward D. Wood Jr. managed to scrape together a few films. They were almost universally despised, and rightly so.
Yet, decades later, Tim Burton felt the need to create a loving tribute to the man. WHY? Because Wood, despite his limitations, loved filmmaking, and did whatever he could to get a movie made. Burton admired Wood, in a way. In fact, Ed Wood is probably more popular today than he ever has been in the past.
People like JaySmack rail against Boll for his lack of talent, demanding that his moviemaking privelege be revoked. Yet Boll is simply a modern-day Wood, scraping together the finances to make the movies he wants to make. Sometime in the future, I wouldn’t be surprised if people look back and, like Wood, remember Boll fondly.
When I look at Michael F. Bay’s career, I see a much more calculated and cynical path than anything involved with Boll. Bay worked within the Hollywood buddy system, and in the process has systematically unravelled modern filmmaking with his excessive garbage. Bay is the cinematic equivalent of the George Bush White House, callously steamrolling over anyone or anything in his path of destruction.
Boll is simply interested in making movies, and he happens to have a tax loophole that allows him to raise much more money than Ed Wood ever did. It’s just a larger-scaled version of Wood’s independent career so long ago.
Yet we celebrate Wood’s love of moviemaking, and vilify Boll. That makes no sense to me.
Comment by Ray | April 10, 2008
Thank you so much for all your glowing praise and support Ray, the check (50% funded by the government of Germany), is in the mail.
Love and kisses!
Uwe
P.S. next time I’m in town, we’ll get together. I promise I’ll give you a reach around this time.
U
Comment by Dr. Uwe Boll | April 11, 2008
@ Uwe - While you obviously owe me the reach around, I will respectfully pass. I like my tops to spend their time smacking my ass.
Seriously, folks … how can you not like this guy?????
Comment by Ray | April 11, 2008
As soon as I read there was a petition to “stop” Uwe Boll from making movies, I bolted to the petition in support of him.
I have not seen a Uwe Boll movie I liked, but I’ve at least watched them and formed my opinion honestly - unlike people who give him a 1 on IMDB without even seeing the films. Boll hate is a bandwagon. An understandable bandwagon, but it’s still just a flag fanboys can circle jerk under.
I like the guy. He’s a showman. All this “I’m the only genious in Hollywood” is purely him taking a piss. He knows who he is and he knows his reputation and he’s embracing every moment of it. I’m glad he fought his critics. Critics are dicks. Most critics are little more than angry neverbeens who think if they picked up a camera it would be like the French New Wave all over again.
And what about this statement:”How can you support a person who would openly film a satire of 9/11?”Pointing out the lunacy of how 9/11 changed the attitude and intelligence of America isn’t something new. South Park’s been doing it for years (although not so boldly) and Jon Stewart made a career out of it. If Boll wants to push the envelope a little bit further he has my support.
But the future needs Uwe Boll; just like I needed Albert Pyun’s films decades after they were made.
In ten years time, when group of college kids yell “Polo” at ALONE IN THE DARK after its characters yell “MARKO!!” into a dark abyss, my heart’s going to feel a little warmer. That’s the genious of Uwe Boll.
Comment by Nash | April 12, 2008
In the end, who would this petition even go to?
Comment by Lencho | April 12, 2008
Really and honestly, does anyone give a flying fuck about this, in the real world? Can’t people concentrate their energies and time on something worthwhile instead of worrying about one director?
Comment by frustrated by inter-nerds | April 12, 2008
@ Lencho - Presumably the petition would be presented to Ue himself to convince him to stop making movies. Of course, they wouldn’t dare give it to him in person, because they know he’d kick their fat fanboy asses. Yes, even Peter “I Have A Worldwide Readership and Write From a Glass Tower” Sciretta.
@ Frustrated - I wholeheartedly agree. The petition is a pointless waste of energy and time.
Comment by Ray | April 12, 2008
Sorry Ray, but I consider your comments a load of bollocks. Yes, there are the fan boys that love to hate, jumping on band wagons and the like. But come on. It’s a bit much to label everyone who dislikes the man as a fanboy. By shrouding Boll in that kind of safety net is basically saying that anyone who criticizes him must be wrong.
You’re considering that the majority of people might not like his films because…um…they’re shit. That’s my personal opinion, so I don’t expect everyone to agree with it. But nor can I stand to be accused of jumping on the bandwagon because I did not herald Boll as the fucking Messiah.
You know, I do actually give him credit for mocking his own criticism. In terms of garnering himself exposure, he is brilliant at that. Even bad press is still press, right? And let’s be honest. How many of you out there have watched a Uwe Boll movie just to see if it really was as bad as you had heard?
But yes, generally speaking, your article was a bunch of toss and makes my head hurt. I’m not going to cut him any slack because I think his filmmaking ability is dire. I couldn’t give a shit if he didn’t go to school and learn the basics. There are a ton of directors in the same boat who have managed to do well for themselves.
So go ahead and defend him if you will. But no, we’re not all fanboys because we don’t agree with you. You sound like one of those cretins who don’t like Coldplay because it’s ‘fashionable’ not to, (though I must add, I’m not a fan of theirs either). My point is, it’s impossible to put everyone into a category because of their point of view. Life’s not that simple.
God bless.
Comment by Roars | April 12, 2008
Has it not occured to you that some of us just hate his work because it sucks?
Honestly, I didn’t even notice that all these shitty movies were under
the same director for the longest time. I didn’t even know there
was a Boll hating movement until just recently.
And when it comes down to it, as someone already said, the man said
he’d do it, so if people want him to stop making movies, he’s pretty
much given the green light to his concent to let the opinions of
other’s dictate his actions. These kind of behaviors are how you
get things across to those of a thick skull.
By signing this petition, I am in no way inhibiting him from making
movies. The UN isn’t going to approach this man and tell him he
can no longer make films because, hey, there’s this thing on the
internet that says you can’t, and a whole mess of folks signed it.
Even if a million signatures are amassed, of course, he’ll just
disregard it, squat down and squeeze out another steaming loaf of
failure. It’s just one step on the journey of “Wow, this guy
fucking sucks. Is there any way we can get this guy to realize
that he sucks? Maybe if some way, somehow, we can get across to
this guy that he sucks, he’ll maybe in some manner alter his behaviors
and stop sucking?”
If anything, seeing the whole Boll hating movement was refreshing because, hey, I’m not the only one tired of this shit.
Comment by John | April 17, 2008
Wow. Lot of people missing the point, here.
I’m amazed.
Nix
Comment by Nix | May 12, 2008