I understand the desire … I really do. I often look back at those breezy spring evenings in the early eighties, and fondly remember everyone curling up around the television to watch the newest “event” show. I remember talking to my friends about Roots the next day on the playground, or huddling with my family and friends and sharing the fear of nuclear attack while watching The Day After.

It’s easy to be wistful and nostalgic about those days gone by, and the television programs and movies that shaped the memories of an entire generation. Unfortunately, that nostalgia has overtaken present-day Hollywood, and blinded them into remaking everything from their formative years in a feeble and misguided attempt to cash in or recapture the moment.

The latest announced remake comes from SlashFilm via The Dead Bolt: A remake of the eighties miniseries V, replete with sequels. Here’s the quote:

“… since I own the motion picture rights to V, we’re in the process to do a remake of the original mini-series first as a theatrical feature, which I’m so jazzed about because it will give me an opportunity to really realize it and execute it in a way that was impossible to do back then. Then that will lead to the obvious sequel, because it is a franchise, and then we’ll get into The Second Generation and I’m hoping we’ll be able to do two movies, because there’s certainly enough material in the novel to warrant two separate sequels. That’s my goal at this point and that’s what we’re in the process of doing. I just literally came from a meeting, 15-20 minutes ago with a fellow in Beverly Hills who really says that we’re gonna do it.”

For those of you either imprisoned in a cave or unborn at the time, V was a very successful miniseries broadcast in May of 1983. It concerned a turbulent near future on Earth, when fifty giant spaceships encircle the planet and “make contact” with humans. The aliens quickly infiltrate Earth’s society by the use of propaganda and slimy politics. Series creator Kenneth Johnson intended the series to mirror the Nazi attempt at world domination during the Second World War, complete with bold red uniforms and insignias. Eventually, humans form a resistance movement (denoted by a spray-painted “V”) that finally topples the invasion. While quaint today, the series flashed impressive special effects and an epic storyline.

Of course, by 1983, we had already seen approximately 5 million “aliens invade Earth” movies; the television series took off primarily due to its “event” status on a free television station, and had little to do with any revolutionary storytelling. Since 1983, we have seen another 5 million movies and television shows with a virtually identical plot. Among this group is the definitive take on this genre: Independence Day. It may not be a great movie, but it’s hard to come up with imagery to top aliens zapping the White House.

So, after everything that’s been done with this storyline, the question remains: WHY REMAKE IT? For Johnson, it’s a chance to poke the pinata and see if there’s any more candy in it. For the studio, it’s a chance to stick a finger into the memory hole of the general public and click it on, ringing cash registers in the process. For movie lovers, though, it’s simply another bloody cough in the interminable death scene of cinema.

NOTE TO HOLLWOOD: You can’t go back. You can’t turn back the hands of time and become little kids again, no matter how much shit you recreate from your childhoods. It’s over. Grow up and make new memories for the next generation, rather than stick them with the regurgitated copies of yours.

For anyone who thinks this is a good idea – which is proof that you wouldn’t know a good idea if it fucked you in the ass – then I leave you with this lovely clip from the original miniseries:

Is CGI really going to be able to save THAT???