We all recently bore witness to the abomination that was Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus – the most mind-numbingly awful movie since Jordan met Dane Bowers’ toe… In actual fact the Jordan movie has slightly better CGI – those breasts almost look real… but I digress.

To tie-in with possibly the most brain scrambling, out and out dumb movie to ever see the light of day currently polluting our screens, I decided to pay homage to the real king of the brainless movie: The Governator himself, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnie is a cinematic icon, there is no questioning that, but he is also responsible for a veritable smorgasbord of some of the most criminal, yet genius puns and one-liners in the history of cinema. So with that in mind, here is my countdown of the Top Ten Brilliantly Awful Arnie One Liners.

#10

“He was my college room mate”

from

T2 3D: Battle Across Time

(1996)

A bit of a cheat as this doesn’t actually come from a cinematically released film (although it is from the most expensive film ever made in terms of length to cost.)

T2 3D: Battle Across Time is a very impressive 3D show from the Universal Studios Theme Parks in Japan, Florida and California which features the acting, ahem, talents of the Austrian Oak, Robert Patrick, Linda Hamilton and Edward Furlong.

The line in question comes as The Terminator and John try once again to stop Skynet. During their adventure, Arnie unceremoniously destroys a terminator endo-skeleton and John enquires “Friend of yours?” to which Arnie geniously deadpans “He was my college room mate”.

#9

“I need a vacation”

from

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

(1991)

Given The Terminator’s nature he doesn’t really spout off too many glib remarks and pithy one-liners; he does however, deliver some of cinema’s most memorable quotes, but in terms of the cringeworthy Arnie puns we all know and love, he is a bit of a let down.

By the end of James Cameron’s awesome second instalment in the franchise though The Terminator had seemingly picked up on the human race’s penchant for sarcasm and humour in the face of adversity; after a particularly brutal climatic battle with Robert Patrick’s seemingly indestructible T-1000, The Terminator emerges beaten, bloody, broken and with half his face missing and delivers the line “I need a vacation”.

Talk about understating the obvious.

#8

“Stick Around”

from

Predator

(1987)

Predator is another classic Arnie film chock full of quotable lines delivered in trademark bad Austrian accent – my personal favourite is “So you cooked up a story and dropped the six of us in a meatgrinder?” just for the way he delivers “meatgrinder”.

But early in the film comes the sort of shocking pun we’ve come to expect from the big man’s movies; Arnie’s Dutch leads an assault on the rebel compound, as a rebel approaches him from behind, Dutch spins and sends a machete plunging into his assailant’s chest cavity pinning him to a wall.

Arnie’s response? “Stick around” – so wrong, but so great.

#7

“You’re not sending me to the cooler”

from

Batman and Robin

(1997)

As well as being one of the worst features ever committed to film, Batman and Robin also boasts an anthology of heinous ice based puns from Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze, including the bad: “I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy”, the plain lazy: “Ice to see you” and the utter ridiculous: “If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It’s time to feast…”

Picking just one is like picking which Jonas Brother you would punch first – an impossible task. So I’ve gone with the one I remember most vividly from this appalling film, delivered in that great Arnie accent with needless inflection on the last word, as Batman and Robin make the save as Freeze wreaks mayhem, he bellows “You’re not sending me to the cooler”.

Completely lame, utterly rubbish yet somehow the best thing about the film (although that isn’t really much of an achievement).

#6

“You’re Fired”

from

True Lies

(1994)

True Lies is a gloriously ludicrous film, but that was the whole idea really wasn’t it?

That said, as you would expect there are plenty of brilliant Arnie moments throughout – my personal favourite is the hilarious yet disturbing scene where Arnie’s Harry Tasker makes his wife strip and “dance, sexy” while pretending to be someone else using the sleaziest voice recording ever – “take off your clothes”. Although it was nice to see Jamie Lee Curtis putting an end to those hermaphrodite rumours once and for all.

The greatest classic Arnie one-liner comes from the final showdown with horribly stereotyped Middle Eastern terrorist Salim Abu Aziz.

As Tasker implausibly manoeuvres a fighter jet in the middle of downtown Miami, Aziz ends up clinging to one of the jet’s missiles, spotting the remainder of Aziz’s forces in the distance – Arnie locks on to them and releases the missile with Aziz still clinging on for dear life…

All together now… “you’re fired”.

#5

“That’s for sleeping with my wife”

from

The 6^th Day

(2000)

One of the most telling examples of the sort of utter pish that Arnie was making towards the tail end of his pre-politics acting career, The 6^th Day was a risible pile of crap that hardly anyone saw, except for a few poor souls.

Arnie even lowered himself to the level of playing on his iconic “I’ll be back” line with “I might be back” – doesn’t quite have the same ring does it? But if you think The 6^th Day was a career low for Arnie, Robert fucking Duvall is also in this steaming pile of guano.

The only redeeming moment of the whole sorry affair comes as Arnie squares off with his clone, landing a blow on the doppelganger who has stolen his life, he quips “That’s for sleeping with my wife”.

“That’s for agreeing to this movie” would have been a more appropriate zinger.

#4

“He had to split”

from

The Running Man

(1987)

I love The Running Man, everything about it is just so unashamedly camp, from the hammy performances right down to the Hole in the Wall-esque suits the runners mince around in, you almost get the feeling that Dale Winton would have been a better fit to play Damon Killian than Richard Dawson
.

The Running Man is loosely based on the Stephen King novel of the same name, yet somehow I doubt that King’s book included some of the dreadful trademark Arnie one-liners that litter the film adaptation.

As Arnie battles the various gimmicked stalkers, he gets plenty of opportunities to spit out one dreadful pun after another, the choicest cut being “He had to split” after he carves up the chainsaw wielding Buzzsaw with his own weapon.

#3

“Remember when I promised to kill you last…? …I lied…”

from

Commando

(1985)

Commando is another of Arnie’s films that features a plethora of awful one-liners; including the famous “let off some steam” after he impales bad guy Bennett on a steam pipe.

However I have chosen his line from near the beginning of his one man rescue mission, as he dangles henchman Sully off the side of a cliff by his leg (see above) Arnie’s John Matrix (best. name. ever.) harks back to an earlier exchange when he informs Sully that because he’s a “funny man” and he likes him that he will kill him last.

“Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?”

“That’s right Matrix, you did”

“I lied”

And with that Arnie releases the prone henchman, sending him plunging to his death and cementing one of the greatest yet most horribly scripted death scenes in Hollywood history.

#2

“Consider that a divorce”

from

Total Recall

(1990)

Total Recall is one of those rare films where Sharon Stone actually keeps her clothes on, a fact made all the more shocking when you consider that Paul Verhoeven directed this adaptation of the Philip K. Dick story.

Total Recall is a bonkers film, but in a very good way, I’m talking triple-breasted aliens good. Stone plays Arnie’s treacherous ‘wife’ Lori, who during a vicious scrap with his dream girl Melina, played by Rachel Ticotin, is shot in the head by Arnie’s character Quaid.

You know it’s coming the second Arnie opens his mouth: “consider that a divorce!” Could anyone else get away with rubbish like that!

#1

“You’re Luggage”

from

Eraser

(1996)

Could it really have been anything else?

Arnie caps a rather frisky and horribly CGI’d gator during an implausible gun fight in a zoo and deadpans “you’re luggage” to the poor creature who, not five minutes ago, had been minding its own business in a tank, until Arnie himself put a bullet through the glass releasing the ill-fated beast and one of his buddies.

I’m just surprised he didn’t go with “see you later, alligator” which would have sounded awesome in Arnie’s dulcet tones, or “let’s get out of here, and make it snappy” as he and Vanessa L. Williams try to escape from villainous James Caan.

I had the dubious honour of seeing Eraser at the cinema upon its 1996 release and can’t remember much about it beyond this ludicrous yet brilliant scene; but for me this is a prime example of why people love Schwarzenegger movies – switch your brain off at the door and just gawp at the sheer spectacle of the shit they’re asking you to swallow…

…and shit it may be, but every now and again it doesn’t half taste sweet.

What do you think? – Have I missed any classics?

And what is your favourite Arnie one-liner?