TWILIGHT sucked. Yeah, I realize that millions of teenaged girls entered puberty in theaters across America at the sight of Robert Pattison – who gives a shit? As former tween girl phenomenons Leif Garrett, Scott Baio, and Zac Efron demonstrably illustrate, young girls have no fucking taste.
I give credit to series creator Stephanie Meyer. She could barely out-write an opened can of tuna, yet she managed to tap into that pulsing vaginal vein of the American teenaged girl fantasy. We all know that the average thirteen year old girl only thinks in hoary romantic cliches, and then screams at lead-shattering decibels when something approaches that imagined ideal. So Meyer, sensing a vast fortune left untapped, set about creating a world of glittering vampires and a dark, rebellious antihero for a perky heroine. For a teenaged girl, it was crack on a stick.
But I am not going to judge Meyer for barfing out this tripe. Had I thought of it, I might write it also. Hey, don’t we all want to be millionaires at some point??
But the movies are another beast entirely. The first film was embarrassing, visually showcasing some of Meyer’s more ludicrous ideas (glittering vampires? Baseball-playing vampires??). Even worse were the performances, particularly the two leads. Kristen Stewart was awful, seemingly incapable of demonstrating any other tangible emotion except constipated longing. And the fabled Robert Pattison’s appeal eludes everyone except Perez Hilton. Pattison looks like he just underwent fifteen rounds of chemotherapy after living under a mossy rock in someone’s damp basement – why is this considered sexy? Even worse, his acting consists entirely of brooding stares and emotionless line readings. Just awful.
But the little girls lapped it up like a puppy on its own puke. So now we must deal with yet another film in Meyer’s now endless “saga” about faggy vampires. The new film, NEW MOON, promises nothing substantial except bloated dialogue farts and silly looking CGI. Here’s the trailer:
It looks like shit. I love that Stewart eyebrow lift when she tells Pattison that she wants him to kiss her; can it actually be any hammier?? I also love that horrible CGI wolf at the end, which was, if the quality is any indication, apparently borrowed directly from VAN HELSING. Just horrible.
But I’m not the target audience for this bullshit. But it does give me an idea for a new series of novels … hmmm …
8 Comments
http://xkcd.com/591/
Michael Sheen never deserved it.
your an idiot.
the cgi wolf couldve been ten times worse. its only at the moment you see actor cgi taylor transforming into the wolf that looks very bad. the actual wolf isn’t. its not real, obviously, but for a fake one, not terrible. any chance you get obviously, you’ll use it to attack the movie. just your opinion
nedd is obviously a 13 year old girl…
“any chance you get obviously, you’ll use it to attack the movie.”
form a proper sentence motherfucker.
Couldn’t agree more! I mean…I don’t get the Twilight fever…the movie was one of the worst I ever seen.
I actually just finished reading the books, and I like them for what they are. I won’t say they don’t have their faults, but all in all it’s a good story line. I haven’t seen the first movie, only the trailers for it and New Moon. I’m not all that impressed. The books just don’t make good movies the way they are written, especially the next one. It’s a lot of teenagers being moody and depressed. Plus, the male lead is just not enough eye candy to warrent actually going to see it.
So, the vampires seem to have amassed enough wealth to live like Boston Brahmins, which would suggest a certain amount of self-control, but ONE DROP of blood turns them into crazed haemoglobin-fiends? Hmmm. Also, Pattison’s make-up in the scene where he says goodbye to her in the woods is terrible.
And what’s this? The villain who menaces the innocent caucasian teen is a THREATENING BLACK MALE? Is DW Griffiths directing this thing?
okay. like not even funny. you like have NO IDEA what your talking about. well i dont care how old you are, or what you like and dont like, but your a fag. okay fag? fag. fag fag