Oh dear Lord – this looks all kinds of terrible.

The official trailer for next May’s Disney tentpole Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, the adaptation of the much loved video game franchise that we all hoped would end the rot of “games to film” translations is online and viewable below. Sadly, this one ain’t going to be the game changer we hoped it would.

First off… who the hell chose Gemma Arterton to be the narrator of this movie when you have such fine talkers as Alfred Molina and Ben Kingsley? Her annoying, “can’t you tell I’m reading from a script” monotone voice is the most irritating I’ve heard for a feature film in some time. Her narration just goes on… and on…. and on… and on, like some kind of whiny eight year old. She is just like a video game narrator, telling you all the rules of the universe and giving you a GPS like navigation into all the things you have to do to move onto the next level.

And Mike Newell, what’s with your direction buddy? He has literally translated what the game feels like to play onto the big screen. The introduction shot of Jake Gyllenhaal via a video game 360 degree swoop that when it pulls back, makes the picture look just like the beginnings of a new level where you get to see the surroundings you’re going to be playing in before taking control of the main character is HIDEOUS to watch on film, and kind of embarrassing really. Makes Newell look like a hack, which he most certainly isn’t.

And then there’s Gyllenhaal. In this modern era where Hollywood have just about started to get it right with casting accurate cultural ethnicity’s for their parts, Disney got it so wrong with the casting of their lead here it’s unreal. Why is he donning a British accent and playing the Prince like a Brendan Fraser goofball?

And oh that sand CGI shot. Jesus, could this movie get any worse?