Variety has the winners of the Online Critics Society Awards for 2006. I don’t know if these online critics are what I imagine: 27 year-old nerds in their parents’ basement, bitching on message boards about obvious shit like why Kevin Smith is a fucking loser.

Today, anyone who gets online is an online critic; what additional qualifications do you need to be one of the elite? A cumrag for a girlfriend and an obese, tanless body?

I won’t post all of the winners – you can follow the link if you’re interested. Just a couple of their picks interested me.

Best Picture – United 93 : I am quite surprised by this, only in that the film had a very American slant to it. Paul Greengrass’ film is very upsetting and ultra-realistic, but also quite detached and clinical. I just can’t imagine people from other countries feeling the same way about this film as did the audience I sat with in stunned silence.

Best Director – Martin Scorcese : Oh, great … let the Scorcese suck-fest begin! I hope he washes his taint this time, because he’s getting hummers all the way through awards season. Unfortunately. I guarantee you that Alfonso Cuaron – and probably Guillermo Del Toro, though I haven’t seen “Labyrinth” yet – deserve that award before Scorcese.

Cinematography – Emmanuel Lubeski, “Children of Men” : Peter might not agree, but he has obviously suffered some sort of severe head trauma. You cannot erase the images of this film.

Breakthrough Filmmaker – Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris – “Little Miss Sunshine” : My God, “Little Miss Sunshine” is easily the most overrated garbage of the year. It has one terrific performance from Abigail Breslin as the little girl, but the screenplay is borderline vegetable.

Breakthrough Performer – Sacha Baron Cohen, “Borat” : Can’t hardly argue with that. His performance is so total that he almost doubly qualifies as a performer and as a special effect.

Go to Variety for the whole story!