New PRINCE OF PERSIA Trailer Kills Rational Thought

What should we really expect from the upcoming CGI ejaculation Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time? Since the film is being made under the Jerry Bruckheimer banner, we should probably steel ourselves against the nonsensical plotting, overblown stunts/effects, and leaden performances that the man has used to make billions of dollars worldwide.

Sure enough, a new trailer has emerged that only reinforces the fears that lovers of decent cinema have had about this project. Questions arise that will surely drive me mad by the time this film plays before me, like:

1. Why is everyone speaking in a British accent? Sure, Britain controlled the area for a few hundred years (until 1971), but the film appears to be taking place long before that. Star Jake Gyllenhaal seems to be doing a decent British accent, but then again, I’m not British.

2. Why must every film of this sort have a magical sword/dagger/codpiece? I’m not sure I can handle two hours and twenty minutes of Gyllenhaal screaming, “Give me the dagger!!”

3. Why did they need to cast Gyllenhaal in this? I understand the box office appeal, but Gyllenhaal looks like a boy playing dress up rather than a warrior. I hate to say it, but I’d almost rather see someone like Sam Worthington in a role like this, and he doesn’t look Persian at all. The role needs someone with gravitas and masculinity, and Gyllenhaal is too damned pretty. Of course, he impressed me in Brokeback Mountain, so you never know. Hmmmm … bad example.

4. Does anyone really get excited by the look of CGI sand/dust? It has been all over major blockbusters for years: Spiderman 3, The Mummy films, 2012, and now this. The effect has been done to death, and it looks overdone here.

5. Why can’t there be an action film that does not have completely unbelievable stunts? Raiders of the Lost Ark had some amazing stuff going on, but it felt real. Compare that to recent action blockbusters, each one with increasingly ridiculous physical moments that take me out of the action. Look at Gyllenhaal outrunning the tumbling and collapsing underground city … is that really exciting to anyone?

6. Why is there a magical dagger???

I dunno … perhaps I’m just being a crank, but this glossy, hyperventilating nonsense just leaves me cold. Here’s the trailer…