Most creatures in this world serve some sort of purpose. Some are truly inspirational (like dolphins, or Ghandi), some are ingenious (like spiders, or Madonna), and some even unite others due to their own pure wickedness (like Hitler, or Rosie O’Donnell). Hell, even the lowly maggot serves a noble purpose in the glorious chain of life.

And just below that maggot is Corey Feldman.

When your single greatest achievement in life (besides marrying a model) is contributing the character of Mouth in The Goonies, then it’s time to reassess the direction of that life.

And reassess it he apparently has. Not content to rest his laurels upon his misguided and very much dead career, the Talented Corey has decided to revisit one of his more-fondly remembered roles and completely destroy it as well. Fortunately for Mr. Feldman, Hollywood producers rank just underneath him on the food chain, and they are eager to make a sleazy buck to help him do it.

Enter Lost Boys: The Tribe. Although missing Rehab Corey, the production managed to soldier on thanks to Talented Corey’s guiding light. To flesh out the whisker-thin storyline, the “producers” wisely incorporated lots of twentysomething mannequins in various states of undress. BRILLIANT!!

One problem, though: the original Lost Boys was a ridiculously fun guilty-pleasure, filled to the brim with winning performances by a large group of talented young actors. Although rated R, it still felt lightweight, harmless, and charming. This new version looks like something assembled by a craigslist casting call and a scriptwriting monkey, and bolstered by a three minute cameo by Mr. Feldman.

Now, on the eve of the direct to DVD release of the “film,” the producers have released a trailer in order to whet the appetites of dozens of film lovers with titillating shots of vapid models showering together. And here it is:

Check it out!

Watching this stuns me into coma-like incredulity. It makes me renounce a belief in God. It makes me want to go into regression therapy until I forget what my pee-pee does. It makes me want to have a shotgun custom-fitted for my mouth.

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: You have all of the money and talent needed to make stunning works of art. STOP MAKING THIS SHIT!