Something has been troubling me. Bouncing around in my room at Obsessed Towers, between the discarded review discs and broken bits of merchandise (I’m told I’m a lot like a nerdy Miss Havisham), I have felt a great injustice hanging over me and the whole site. A bold claim was made a few months back, and it’s time to offer a response…

It was probably the greatest article in Obsessed With Film history, judging by the frightening amount of traffic it attracted, and the passionate comments you posted in response, but was Tom Fallow’s 50 Reasons Why Ghostbusters Just Might Be The Greatest Film Of All Time… And One Reason Why Maybe It Isnt anything more than spurious hyperbole?

I mean come on; anyone who knows anything about Obsessed With Film is that our signature film is in fact Gremlins, and while I’m all for diversity in criticism, I’m more about friendly rivalry, especially when I feel such an unbearable wrong has been done. So, without further ado, here goes…

51 Reasons Why GREMLINS Just Might be the Greatest Film of all Time…

1. Gizmo: Has vanquishing evil ever been cuter?

2. The Three Simple Rules: We all love rules in films- the First rule of Fight Club; the Never Cross the Streams rule; the rules governing proximity and contact with an alternate version of oneself in a different timezone- but the three most recognisable on-screen rules in the history of movie-making are those that relate to the proper care of Mogwai. Everyone knows them: stop a random person in the street and ask, I guarantee they’ll know.

3. The Music: There isn’t an insanely catchy theme tune, granted, but not even the majesty of Ray Parker Junior’s legendary tune could compete with Jerry Goldsmith’s perfect score, marrying the zany circus of the Gremlins with horror-flick undertones- he created the definitive horror/comedy score in the process. And Gizmo’s song- also written by Goldsmith- beats video cameos by Chevy Chase any day of the week.

4. Quotable Genius: Right, so Ghostbusters has its own particular brand of zinging wit (few films could compete with the serious comedy talent on show after all), but Gremlins pushes its own brand of humour (less witherng sarcasm, more inclusive mirth), and features some excellent exchanges between characters (especially more minor ones, who seem to exist solely to offer humourous relief).

Deputy Brent: Let me drive.
Sheriff Frank: No, you’re drunk.
Deputy Brent: You always get to drive.
Sheriff Frank: That’s cause I’m the sheriff, asshole.

5. Chris Columbus: He may be responsible for some of the worst releases of the past few years as producer or director- Christmas With The Kranks for instance- but in the early days he had a truly magic touch, writing The Goonies and of course Gremlins, before directing the epic Home Alone 1 & 2 and Mrs Doubtfire. In short, for a while there, he was the family film-maker of choice.

6. The Blu-Ray Cover: Originally of course this image was used as the VHS cover, but the decision to go with the simpler white cover, rather than the far more punk rock cover that was used in later releases (and an awesome film poster) of Stripe bursting through an earlier teaser poster of Gizmo’s paws, is a triumph for simple gorgeous artwork. Oh, and if anyone out there with the necessary powers is reading this and wants to offer me a finished copy of the recently released Blu-Ray, I’m definitely not going to say no!

7. It stars a Socially Awkward Teen Hero… talk about empathy: every good horror and every entertaining family film has as its centre a slightly uncool, even gawky central character- often despite the presence of a much cooler alternative- who it is bloody impossible not to immediately feel for: Stand By Me had Gordy, The Goonies had Mikey, ET had Elliott and Gremlins has Billy.

8. …Who’s Gone on to be One of the Greatest One Hit Wonders Ever: Sometimes you can tell how good a film is by the subsequent successes of its stars- if an actor does well in a film, but then goes on to make a million and one no-hit films, with titles like What They Wanted, What They Got, or G-Men from Hell or Cyborg 3: The Recycler or suffers the indignity of only appearing in one episode of Star Trek Voyager as an ensign and never again shining in any role (until he is recast in the sequel) then it must have something to do with the quality of movie he had to work with. Step forward Zach Galligan- king of the One Hit Wonders.

9. Corey Feldman: The now clearly insane “actor” was king of the 80s movie kids, which is perhaps why he has had all that plastic surgery in the vain hope that his stretched, oily looking skin will somehow recapture the skillness of his youth. Here is was new and fresh, but he was still the same professional little shit as always.

10.

Gerald: If it isn’t Captain Clip-On. Guess who almost signed for unemployment today?
Billy Peltzer: I give up.
Gerald: You… But Mr. Corben had second thoughts. He gets so sentimental around the holidays.
Billy Peltzer: Imagine that.
Gerald: If it was up to me, I would have fired you in a second.
Billy Peltzer: Well, a merry Christmas to you too.

11. Michael Winslow plays a Gremlin: although he is only one of a frankly startling number of small or cameo appearances by utter geniuses: not only does uber-composer Jerry Goldsmith get a blink and you’ll miss it screen-second, but Spielberg appears in a wheelchair, and improbably even Robby The Robot from Forbidden Planet pops up. Fact is, Winslow is a talent machine: I dont know about you but, if I could make the noise of a helicopter, and had rubberised lips I’d never make it away from a mirror, let alone out of the house, yet Winslow managed to appear in both Police Academy and Gremlins in 1984. Noise-making, silly-faced God-like Genius that he is.

12. The Merchandise: Feast your eyes on this gorgeous bit of movie merch, and tell me the Gremlins as characters dont lend themselves to the most awesome affiliated junk!

13. The Greatest Villains of all Time: Simple as.

14.  It’s Not For Kids: Despite the Spielberg/Columbus link, Gremlins is a firmly adult affair, with some of the gore likely to scare the bejesus out of younger viewers.

15.

Kate: The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.

16. Geeky In-Jokes: At the inventor’s convention, in the background is the time machine from The Time Machine, and it is clearly winding up to full power, and then in a moment of comedy genius, after the cut scene, the machine has disappeared, leaving only a wisp of colored smoke. It’s not the only one, so I wont spend ages listing them like the giant dork I am- but I will say that my personal favourite (apart from Robby the Robot’s appearance) is the Gremlin in the cinema, watching Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs who is clearly wearing some Mickey Mouse ears. The cheeky devil. I challenge anyone to come up with a definitive list of the excellent film references from Gremlins- it’s a lot like trying to name all the Easter Eggs in a Pixar film.

17. It’s Set at Christmas: All of the most entertaining films ever are set at Christmas, and that is a scientific fact. Die Hard, Home Alone, It’s A Wonderful Life (which itself gets a brief cameo in Lynn Peltzer’s kitchen) and of course Fred Claus. Well, possibly not that last one.

18. Mrs Peltzer: Like the stereotypical Horror film home-alone housewife, Billy’s mom goes a bit nuts when she discovers the newly rehatched Gremlins in her kitchen, but in an awesome development, rather than roll over or run away scared, she turns out to be a Gremlin killing machine, despatching three of the critters in one grizzly scene, when everyone else seems comically incapable of even composing themselves in their presence.  Girl power!

19. Ruby Deagle’s End: The neighbourhood battleaxe, played by Polly Holliday, appears at first to be a total bitch, who will inevitably get what’s coming to her at the hands of them spiny green bastards, and with delicious inevitability the Gremlins kill her in spectacular fashion, sending her through a window in her supercharged stairlift. Same thing happened to Thora Hird I hear. All very hush-hush.

20.

Murray Futterman, Billy’s neighbor: [drunk, looking inside his car] Gremlins…
Murray: [turning to Billy and Kate] You got-you gotta watch out for them forgeiners cuz they plant gremlins in their machinery.
[he climbs inside the car]
Murray: It’s the same gremlins that brought down our planes in the big one.
Kate: [laughing] The big one…
Murray [turning round] that’s right! World war two.
[he puts his hand to his head]
Murray: Good old WWII.
Murray: [Murray tries to start his car] Y’know their still shippin them over here. They put em in cars, they put em in yer tv. They put em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!

21. It was Nutritionally Ahead of its time: Think of the second rule- No Food after Midnight. Isnt that reminiscent of one of the cardinal sins of weight-gain? “Nutritionists” on the telly-box have been telling us for years that eating late at night makes you lardy, while looking at our poo and telling us it smells bad (no shit, Gillian McKeith). So really, Gremlins was a pioneering allegory for the ravages of ill-advised snacks at night, but rather than getting back tits and a rash where your gravy-soaked thighs rub together, you spawn hundreds of beastly green creatures. You couldnt make it up!

22. The Ultimate 80s Sex Bomb: Step forward Phoebe Cates, who Im fairly sure was the not so proud recipient of the award for star of my first “nocturnal emmission” dream.

Blimey!

23. It (Almost) Came With a Short: The Merrie Melodies short Falling Hare, starring Bugs Bunny alongside a very different Gremlin, was originally intended to be attached to the cinema showings of Gremlins (and parts of it are available as part of the Special Edition release), but perhaps due to Dante’s publicly voiced concerns that his Gremlins were not to be judged by any that went before, the plan was eventually scrapped. I for one would welcome the return of shorts to the big-screen before the feature, rather than the fucking endless adverts we now have to put up with. Four or five previews and a short please- if I wanted to watch adverts about cars and mobile phones I’d stay at home.

24.

The most important rule of all, no mater how much he cries, no mater how much he begs, never, never feed him after midnight.

25. The Lack of Star Power: Ghostbusters had a frightening amount of comedy talent on show, in fact there was an embarrassment of riches. Gremlins on the other hand in comparison might as well have been cobbled together using local amateur dramatic groups- the effect is that the Gremlins are the stars, and rightly so.

26. Mogwai: That is, the Scottish post-rock band who owe their name to Gremlins- mixing metal (occassionally), math rock, art rock and shoegaze theyre a fucking delight to behold. Not for everyone, but exceptional in my eyes.

27. It’s Definitely Not Racist! Though, like Ghostbusters, criticism was aimed at the film, claiming otherwise. Supposedly, the Gremlins themselves were thinly veiled personifications of the worst stereotypes of African Americans- they are depicted “devouring fried chicken with their hands,” listening to black music, breakdancing, and wearing sunglasses after dark and newsboy caps,which obviously proves it! Or not. The thing about these stereotypes is that you either give them licence to mean something or you dont, and immedaitey assuming that these puppets are obviously meant to be black because of their actions seems a little backward to me.

Oh, and it dodged another potentially racist bullet by casting Keye Luke as Mr Wing, and not Jon Pertwee, who had been suggested as a contender for the role, which I fear may well have left as bad a taste in the mouth as Peter Ustinov’s appearance as Hnup Wan in One of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing does today.

28. The Film Poster Within a Film Poster: Ive already mentioned it above, but this poster is genius wrapped in crafty genius. The update, adding a mischievous Stripe with a marker pen made an event out of the film poster like had never happened before.

29.

Ruby Deagle: I want your dog.
Billy Peltzer: Barney?
Ruby Deagle: Give him to me. I’ll take him to the kennel, they’ll put him to sleep. It will be quick and painless compared to what I would do to him.
Billy Peltzer: What could you do?
Ruby Deagle: I’ll catch the beast myself. He’ll get what he deserves, a slow painful death.Maybe I’ll put him in my spin-drier on high heat.
Mr. Anderson: That would do it all right!

30. The restored Warner Bros shield- though it would now be similar to Mcdonalds without the Golden Arches, believe it or not the Warners shield wasnt a mainstay of Warner output in the years heading up to Gremlins’ 1984 release. Now it’s as recognisable  as Jesus, and rightly so.

31. Three Words: Steven Spielberg Presents- More specifically, Spielberg made one of the greatest plot decisions of all time: imagine if he hadnt been present on the project, and the script treatment where Gizmo morphed into Stripe actually went ahead! And, Spielberg was responsible for uniting The Howling’s Joe Dante with Chris Columbus’ script in the first place, having loved Dante’s werewolf classic; so really, the magic was all down to him.

32. It’s Bloody 25 Years Old! And yet it has a timeless feel about it that makes it’s ageing inconsequential.

33. That Kingston Falls Set Looks Familiar… Well it should, as it’s clearly the same as that used for Back to the Future. Exactly what kind of crazy, richly heritaged film orgy was going on on that backlot at Universal Studios?! If it’s good enough for Marty McFly, it should be good enough for even the most finnickety of audience members. Oh, and the cinema that blows up is the very same one that Marty crashes into at the end of Back to the Future. Small world.

34. GremlinsOnline.Com: One of the best (and most rabid) movie fan sites out there.

35. The BT Advert: Gremlins Versus Peter Jones of Dragon’s Den. Delightful- it’s just a pity they dont cause more permanent damage to the lanky smug twat. Genius defining moment- the Gremlin photocopying its arse.

36. The Competition it Faced, and Beat: You are often defined by your adversaries, their strengths testament to your own fortitude, which always makes victory that little bit sweeter. Summer 1984 was already heavily packed with the releases of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and a little film called Ghostbusters, but Warner Bros- perha sensing that it had a winning hand- moved the release date of Gremlins from Christmas (hence the festive feel) to directly compete with Paramount and Columbia’s tentpole releases. And God damn, didnt they do well! And not only did they make a better film, they actually cheekily referenced Indiana Jones within the film itself…

37. The Fan Art: I’ve already mentioned GremlinsOnline.com, but I think their fan art section deserves special praise. It’s immense, and somewhat creepy to think that people spend hours endlessly drawing Mogwais. And here’s my favourite piece for good measure…

38. The References to The Howling: As I’ve already said, Spielberg was a big fan, and why wouldnt he be? The Howling is an absolute classic of modern cinema, and was the catalyst for the early 80s filmic penchant for werewolves that gave birth to another of The Greatest Films Of All Time- the cruelly non-Oscar winning Teen Wolf. The love for Dante’s earlier project is obvious in the numerous hidden references to it throughout Gremlins: from the smiley face image on the refrigerator door to the posters in the interior of the cinema and most obviously the appearance of Jim McKrell playing TV reporter Lew Landers, the same character he played for Dante in The Howling.

39. Joe Dante: Maybe not the first person you think of when the word legend is being thrown about but he made some proper cult classics years ago: The ‘Burbs, The Howling, Piranha, Innerspace… and if that isnt enough he directed two episodes of Police Squad, which says it all.

40.

Ruby Deagle: Mrs Harris, what are you trying to tell me?
Mrs. Joe Harris: I’m afraid none of us can pay for two weeks. Couldn’t you just get Mr.Corben to just give us a little more time?
Ruby Deagle: Mrs Harris, the bank and I have the same purpose in life – to make money. Not to support a lot of… deadbeats!
Mrs. Joe Harris: Mrs Deagle! It’s Christmas!
Ruby Deagle: Well, now you know what to ask Santa for, don’t you?

41. It’s More 80s Than A Snood Full of Leg-Warmers: And wasnt the 80s really the best decade? What do you mean no?! Mobile phones were massive, hair was more massive, cocaine was fashionable (and considerably purer than the soap powder you get now) and fashion was really cutting edge. And I’m not being sarcastic.

42. It Only Cost Pennies: Well comparatively speaking anyway. It only cost $11,000,000- in comparison to Ghostbusters $30m, and yet it only took $1.1m less in its opening weekend than its more showy counterpart. Overall for 1984 it ranks fourth in overall takings, behind Beverley Hills Cop (budget: $15m), Ghostbusters and Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom (budget: $28.17m ), but again comparatively speaking, falls behind only Beverley Hills Cop in terms of gross takings against budget.

43. The computer games. Gremlins- The Adventure on the Spectrum: fuck you, Microsoft and Sony and your next gen gaming experiences. I want clunky, slow-loading text based games.

44.

Sheriff Frank: Tell me something, Billy. How come a cute little guy like this can turn into a thousand ugly monsters?
Billy Peltzer: Well, you see, this is before it enters the pupal stage.
Deputy Brent: The pupal stage?
Billy Peltzer: Yeah, right. Plus it multiplies with water.
Deputy Brent: Aw, Christ.
Sheriff Frank: Brent give the kid some water.
Billy Peltzer: I wouldn’t do that, Sheriff.

45. Rumours of a Third: Part of me hopes they’re unfounded, but along with the long-mooted Goonies 2, Gremlins 3 holds a special place in film lovers’ hearts (just look at the online pages dedicated to the rumours)- as long as a film is adored with a level of fervour reserved for only the upper eschelons of audience acclaim, there will always be rumours of a new sequel, and until the franchise is killed off spectacularly by too many inconsequential and unnecessary sequels (like Home Alone) this phenomenon will continue to be a mark of greatness.

46. The overall Intertextuality of the thing: ingeniously, Gremlins, and particularly its sequel The New Batch, knew that they were movies. This may sound like the most profoundly inane thing I or any other so-called critic has ever said, but one of the cleverest things a text (and a film is definitely a text) can be is self-aware of its own intertextuality; I mean, come on, Kristeva came up with the profoundly important theory of poststructuralism and the text based around the concept. So, basically, all of the cameos, and film references throughout the two films, as well as less visible mechanisms of intertextuality- Robert Ebert called it a ”sly series of send-ups”  seeking to parody many elemental film story-lines- point towards a film that is wonderfully aware of its own status within a canon of influential movie texts. And the cherry on that particular cake- the moment that confirms it all for me- is in the second film, where the Gremlins break through a wall and attack the projectionist of the film theyre actually starring in (the cherry on top of that cherry is of course the appearance of Hulk Hogan like an angry long-car-journey-Dad threatening to open a can of whup-ass if the Gremlins dont behave).

47. It pissed off the censors so much that they felt compelled to create a new classification. It is generally held that alongside Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, Gremlins forced the MPAA to create the PG-13 rating, because of all the naughty violence and jiggery-pokery. And if you think about it, the PG-13 rating was the dip-stick check for the Summer Blockbuster for a while: any film hitting that particular market could now aim more specifically for the slightly older family dollars,and  the Summer Family Season was inundated with newly classified films, and cinema going audience make-ups were changed for ever in the wake.

48. Iconic Moments: The best of the lot? Some might say the Rambo parody in The New Batch, but I have to say my personal faourite is the genious, and hilarious Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference that sees the joyful marriage of a Gremlin with a high-powered chainsaw.

49. The sequel really didnt suck. Although admittedly, the film-makers did fall for the age old temptation of giving the original film’s best characters more screen time, despite their success being dependant on relatively fleeting appearances in the first one. And don’t get me started on what happened to Gizmo between the end of Gremlins and the kick-off of Gremlins 2; he looks less Jim Henson and more Jimmy Saville. But all in all, it’s a genius piece of film-making; especially the final pay-off scene where the Three Simple Rules come back into focus in one terrible, fantastic orchestra of green slime.

50.

Kate: What’re they doing?
Billy Peltzer: They’re watching Snow White. And they love it.

51. And finally… Judge Reinhold is in it. Forget everything I have said so far if you want: all you need to know about the intense awesomeness of this film is the inclusion of the slightly lanky, uncool, awkward-looking movie deity that is Mr Reinhold. Case closed.