Directed by Michael Patrick King

Written by Michael Patrick King, Candace Bushnell

A continuation of the long running and popular female-centric HBO series

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Chris Noth, Jennifer Hudson, Candice Bergen, David Eigenberg, Evan Handler, Jason Lewis, Mario Cantone, Willie Garson

Distributed by New Line Cinema & HBO Films

Film was released May 28th 2008 (U.K.) & May 30th 2008 (U.S.)

Review by Ray DeRousse

First of all, I am not a fan of the long-running HBO series. I have never watched an episode in my life. I did this for you, dear readers. I watched SEX AND THE CITY: THE MOVIE for you, which is akin to taking a bullet for someone.

The movie apparently picks up three years after the end of the series. The four girls in question - Carrie (SARAH JESSICA PARKER), Samantha (KIM CATTRALL), Charlotte (KRISTIN DAVIS), and Miranda (CYNTHIA NIXON) - have all found love and moved into new phases of their lives. Then, various troubles befall them all, and they cope with the help of one another … and lots of expensive clothes and other materialistic pursuits.

I use the word “trouble” loosely in reference to this movie, since the problems encountered by these unpleasant cunts are pathetically empty and shallow. For instance, Carrie’s concerned about the million-dollar penthouse her husband is buying in downtown New York. Charlotte’s big dilemma is that she is too happy and content. Um, what? Is that supposed to be drama, or some sort of ridiculous joke? Not one of these bitches has ever known trouble of any kind; I can only imagine the caterwauling if one of them breaks a heel. I kept hoping one of them would develop an aggressively malignant glioma, or be struck by lightning by an angry, angry God.

Alas, they continue to live while millions around the world die of starvation, genocide, and disease. Oh well … does anyone want to get a Cosmo and then hit the stores??? YAY!!!!

The performances barely warrant acknowledgement. Parker’s features, stretched to the dimensions of a theater screen, take on an almost Picasso-like quality. The rest of the cast poses for obligatory shots of various clothing lines and lingerie without even a whiff of cleverness or subtlety. In fact, the actresses unwisely pitch their performances like they’re still on television, which always looks ridiculous on the big screen.

Truthfully, this movie exists to make money. It has no other purpose on a theater screen. There is no solid story here; everything is just a limp continuation of the television series. Which begs the question: why not simply make a made-for-television movie out of it? Oh yeah … money. And they know they are going to make shitloads of it from the ravenous throngs of women flocking to the theaters together to “bond” with old favorites.

Which then begs a bigger question: Are women really this fucking stupid? Are they incapable of seeing the moral and spiritual bankruptcy of this entire franchise? Women who watch this series and movie should not be allowed to vote or drive cars, since, by endorsing societal cancers like this, they only foster stereotypes and defeat the feminist movement. Films like this tell us that women only like to shop and worry about men. Films like this tell us that women are materialistic, and only want a man that can provide luxuries or hefty amounts of dick. They reinforce the notion that women are self-absorbed, insecure, insular, and phony. I cannot imagine a self-respecting woman watching this putrid shit and feeling anything but utter contempt.

And as a guy, I really fucking hated it.

This movie seems out of touch, as several countries around the world are suffering through terrible catastrophes and severe economic downturns. While film is an escapist medium, the very fact that this movie extols the virtues of a hedonistic, materialistic lifestyle makes the current climate in the world very relevant. Nobody I know can currently afford to drop $400 on a pair of shoes, or jet around the country at the drop of an expensive hat; they’re too busy paying $3000 to fill up their Ford Focus. This entire production feels like it belongs in another time period, like the late nineties when it first premiered.

I have no doubt that the film will do well with its core audience, which is mystifying loyal to this franchise despite its obvious artificiality. However, this film is too damn long, too damn pointless, and too damn vapid for anyone else with even one bloody shart (noun: a wet fart) of self-respect.

Awful. Ladies, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

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Directed by: Noam Murro

Written by: Mark Poirier

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Haden Church, Ellen Page, Ashton Holmes Christine Lahti, Camille Mana, David Denman

Distributed by Icon

Film is released on May 16th 2008 in the U.K.

Review by Michael Edwards

I have a horrible feeling this will be one of those films that people see as a loveable piece of family drama/comedy which is branded such inaccurate adjectives as “insightful”, “heartwarming”, “witty” and “real”. Sadly, it really isn’t any of these things.

In fact, alarm bells should be set ringing by the cast which on the surface contains a bunch of reasonably well-known and trusted household names but actually contains a recipe for disaster. Firstly, can anyone tell me the last good film Dennis Quaid was in? Anyone? It was WYATT EARP in 1994. That’s 14 years and 23 films ago for Mr Quaid - not a good record. Plus he was in DRAGONHEART which was rubbish, screw forgiveness.

Sarah Jessica Parker will never escape her role from SEX AND THE CITY and Ellen Page, whilst undenibly a great actress, is beginning to smack of pretentious indie (but actually on a reasonable sized Hollywood budget) cool and thus wear a bit thin. The whole movie feels like a horribly contrived attempt to jump on this new Hollywood sort-of-low-budget indie film wagon which is regrettably spawning some real crap now.

The premise of the film is that pompous professor/lonely widower Lawrence Wetherhold is the head of a household containing just himself and his precocious and stuck-up daughter Vanessa who lacks the necessary social skills to be a normal teenager. His son James has already abandoned ship and headed off to university to write poetry because he’s so misunderstood. But wait, hope is on the horizon. After the silly professor falls from a fence and gets concussion he can no longer drive, cue the entry of the wacky back sheep of the family Lawrence’s step brother Chuck. Not only that, in hospital Lawrence meets (sort of) sexy doctor and former pupil of his Janet Hartigan. The predictable steady progress towards realising that having friends, being in love and being nice are as important as grades, respect and success ensues.

The film isn’t totally irredeemable, for all my angry insults the actors do put in decent performances despite the dry and uninspired script. And there are a few witty moments besides those crammed into to trailer to suck you in. There’s just far too much pointless rambling, too many overreactions and far far too many predictable character arcs. We all know exactly where this movie is going from the minute we clap eyes on each character, and the journey then seems an arduous and unnecessary trudge to the finish line with the paltry treats on offer to keep you going.

So I say, ignore those who talk of easy viewing and praise this film for its unrelenting mediocrity. Spend your money on something fun or clever. Try IRON MAN or PERSEPOLIS respectively.